Bad Braves Fan

The good and the bad from Opening Night.

2008-03-31T09:57:00.003-05:00

The good: The Braves' new alternate road unis. Me likey. Much better than the Sunday reds, which make me feel the same disgust as when I see an entire family wearing Crocs.

The bad: George W. Bush's alto queso, or "high cheese" (thank you Dave Campbell from High Heat 2002). On the radio, Chip Caray did mention that W was wearing a kevlar vest underneath his jacket. It's sad how things have changed since that horrible Reggie Jackson incident.

The good: Tim Hudson's WHIP, sitting at 0.43 right now... which happens when you retire 17 straight batters. And since this is my first season playing fantasy baseball, I actually care about this now.

The bad: Uh, this happened....

(video purloined from Mister Irrelevant)

I got my Uzi back (you dudes is whack... face it, Bad Braves Fan is back).

2008-03-08T01:30:00.001-06:00

A lot sure has happened since I put this blog on hold. Here's a quick recap....

* Braves pick up Mark Teixeira from the Rangers for Jarrod Saltalamacchia, meaning now I don't have to worry about who the fuck Scott Thorman is more than the occassional pinch hit appearance or Tex day-off.

* Bob Wickman gets released, meaning now I can go to all-ages pop-punk shows in peace. (However, I am still too old for that shit.)

* Michael Vick gets indicted, meaning now I can put funny captions on pictures of athletes and a lot of people will giggle incessantly.

* I made an awesome Chinua Achebe reference. (You should be impressed too, I could've went with The Roots.)

* Edgar Renteria gets traded to the Tigers for pitching prospect and native Curacaoan Jair Jurrjens, meaning now that Andruw Jones is gone, there can STILL be Curacao Beach Towel Night at Turner Field.

(Note: I have no idea if this was a recurring promotion throughout the Andruw Jones era, but it should've been. Beach towels are probably the only accessory that makes The Wave tolerable.)

By the way, I have still done nothing to improve my status as a Braves fan... I didn't buy a Brian McCann jersey like I said I would, and I only went to two pro baseball games last year... both at Wrigley Field (Cubs v. Reds, then Cubs v. Cards). So I know better than to make any promises this year.

Except that I'll try to keep up the blog at least until the middle of August this year. I'm setting the bar high.

The resemblance is ridiculously scary.

2007-11-09T17:10:00.000-06:00

I photoshopped this for my other blog, LOL Jocks, but I'll be damaged if it doesn't belong here too.

Hey Mets fans, here's some reading material for the offseason.

2007-10-01T18:47:00.000-05:00

Hey White Sox, just in case you forgot, ESPN hates you.

2007-07-13T12:05:00.000-05:00

I would like to think that pointless poll questions like these are a result of ESPN.com running roughly 500 poll questions a day. At some point during today, I'm totally expecting a "Is David Beckham hot?" query.

But please... leaving the White Sox off the question about the sports teams most associated with Chicago? Just because they are the baseball team that has won a championship in the past 90 years?

And including the Blackhawks???

I think Bob Wickman is trying to kill me.

2007-07-09T01:44:00.000-05:00

In the past two weeks, I have watched two Braves games (the blog isn't called Bad Braves Fan for nothing).

Both of these games were on Sundays.

In both of these games, Bob Wickman has tried to give me a heart attack.

Don't give me that look, Bob. You know what you're doing.

First was last week against the Marlins, where the Braves made an exciting comeback to grab a one-run lead in the top of the ninth, only for Bob to give up that lead on the second pitch he threw to Marlins catcher Miguel Olivo.

(I believe the TBS graphic after the home run said that Olivo is 5-for-5 in his career against Wickman, with a double, a triple, and two home runs... which means that Olivo hit a cycle off Wickman in his first four at-bats. That's a slugging percentage of 2.800, for God's sake.)

Fast-forward to tonight, where Wickman comes in to the ninth with a four-run lead to protect, and allows five hits to the Padres (the team with the lowest batting average in the National League) before he gets Marcus Giles on a borderline strikeout to end the game with the tying run in scoring posish. The only good thing about tonight's game, besides the fact that the Braves are only two games back of the Mets at the All-Star Break, is that I found out that my bedroom door has a wall protector for times when you burst through the door in disgust.

Including last Friday's appearance where he gave up three runs in a third of an inning before being lifted for Tyler Yates, that's three shitshows in a span of five appearances. To Wicky's credit, he's still doing better than the new Transformers movie.

NL East Standings
NY Mets 48-39
Atlanta 47-42
Philadephia 44-44
Florida 42-47
Washington 36-52

Braves vs. Tigers. Bad Braves Liveblog IV.

2007-06-24T19:10:00.000-05:00

Jumping in this game a little late, and using my roommate's laptop... apparently the power adapters for MacBooks like to stop working after three months. I guess pretty soon we'll get a commercial where Justin Long stops moving and can only be revived by giving him $80. Kind of like Mike Hampton!

Chuck James gets the Tigers 1-2-3 in the first. And the powerful Braves offense responds in kind with a 1-2-3 inning of their own. This is gonna be awesome!

R.I.P. Rod Beck. I have a terrible Rod Beck story... he was making his comeback with the Padres, and I wanted to watch him warming up in the bullpen in a game at Turner Field. Unfortunately, all the Turner Field ushers assume that the only reason you would want to watch the opposing team's bullpen is to harass them, and so they yell at you every time you try to take a peek. Turner Field ushers: holes of ass. Still scoreless after two.

Chipper makes a good defensive play on a line drive, which leads Jon Miller and Joe Morgan to talk about "the spat." Schuerholz in the booth now, throwing water on the fire... we won't hear about this again after tonight. We will hear about Andruw though... sounds like John is not expecting to re-sign him.

Barry Bonds could have been a Brave, and Schuerholz decided to sign Greg Maddux instead. THANK YOU JOHN SCHUERHOLZ.

What is up with Magglio Ordonez in this series? I watched him play right field earlier this season, and he looked terrible. Now he's making awesome plays... it's like he really thinks he can win MVP this year.

There was a time earlier this year when the Braves were getting crazy two-out hits with runners in scoring posish. Now they are not coming. These are the kinds of things that happen when you only score one run in 40 innings.

Schuerholz just called Gary Sheffield a consistent player for the Braves in 2002 and 2003. Then ESPN shows a graphic... Sheffield hit over .300 in both seasons, and then at the bottom: Postseason: 3 for 30 (.100). That's some awesome consistency.

Andruw Jones base hit! Currahee! And Salty lines out on the next pitch to end the inning. Still scoreless after four.

Pitching to American League pitchers with two outs can be fun and profitable... until Chuck gets behind 3-1. Thank God Chuck finally gets two over the plate.

According to the Bottom Line, the White Sox are expected to trade Mark Buehrle. To the phones, Schuerholz!

Oh hell. To start the sixth inning, Omar Infante gets a bunt single, and James hits Polanco on a 1-2 pitch. Sheffield singles on the next pitch... 1-0 Tigers. And now Magglio gets another base hit to load the bases with no outs. Shit, meet fan... And James walks Guillen. 2-0 Tigers. Cox comes out to yank Chuck, who had pitched a hell of a game to that point. Once again, a Braves starter doesn't go at least seven innings.

In comes Peter Moylan, who is on the list of Braves relievers I trust (and yes, I am testing my jinx). Two run single by Pudge. Damn, I'm good.

Jon Miller and Joe Morgan have just broken down Tigers pitcher ~~Justin~~ Andrew Miller's swing. I am in hell. Ooh, brief reprieve, Moylan gets out of the inning with no more damage done. Tigers rule 4-0. Let's score some f-ing runs, people.

I need some help from Baseball Prospectus... I need to find out how many innings in the last five games have gone out, out, base hit, out for the Braves. This is getting ridiculous.

Placido Polanco tests Francoeur's arm... great tag by Saltalamacchia to nail him at the plate for an inning-ending double play.

Durbin replaces Andrew Miller... I will now say goodbye to the most awkward swings I've seen since Randy Johnson. And the Braves are still scoreless.

Wilfredo Ledezma in the game for the Braves, and he'll get to pitch just as soon as the grounds crew replace some clay on the mound. No offense, watching dirt get replaced... geh.

Chad Durbin, the Tigers relief pitcher, gets a sacrifice fly RBI to make it 5-0 Tigers. This gives him the same number of RBIs that the entire Braves team has had in their last five games. Shoot me in the face.

Bobby Cox drinking Powerade in high definition. Awesome. I feel like he could reach through the TV and punch me in the chest... that way my clothes would cover the bruises. Man, this is depressing.

Well that's over. The Braves get swept, are back to .500, and may score another run some time before the All-Star Break. The good news is that interleague play is now over, and the Mets won't play the A's again this year. I'm Mr. Fucking Brightside.

Leo Mazzone is about to get screwed.

2007-06-18T11:15:00.000-05:00

ESPN's Buster Olney is reporting that Baltimore Orioles manager Sam Perlozzo is very likely to get the axe very soon.

(UPDATE: Perlozzo has been fired.)

In case you don't remember, Perlozzo and former Braves pitching coach Leo Mazzone are BFFs. Mazzone cited Perlozzo as the reason he left the Braves in 2005 to join the Orioles.

So now that Perlozzo is likely out, Mazzone is stuck in the Baltimore train wreck with no one to talk to except Steve Trachsel. Hey Leo, get Steve to tell you his story about giving up Number 62 to Mark McGwire. And when he tells you that Big Mac almost forgot to touch first base, act like you didn't already know.

Grimey's first ballgame of the season.

2007-06-18T02:45:00.000-05:00

Yes, I finally made it out to a baseball game.

The Montgomery Biscuits, the AA affiliate of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, dropped an 8-2 heartbreaker to the Jacksonville Suns. The Suns picked up a quick five runs in the first, and the next thing you know, it's the top of the eighth and the beer kiosks closed down. It happened so fast.

One upside is I got to check out the Devil Rays' 2006 first round draft pick, the unfortunately-named Evan Longoria. The Biscuit third-baseman went 2-for-4, including a solo home run in the ninth with the game out of reach. Clearly, Longoria has a chance to become the next Alex Rodriguez.

Meanwhile, the Braves are still in second place in the NL East, even though the Mets are 3-12 in the month of June. Hopefully the Braves can get through the rest of their brutal interleague schedule (three games a piece against two AL division leaders... woo-HAH) relatively unscathed. And hopefully the Mets will keep sucking. And maybe the Phillies will have five blown saves next week. And maybe the Marlins will go through an ugly breakup and set off on a drunken bender until the All-Star break. And maybe the Nationals will be the rebound... or the grudge fuck.

Free-agent-to-be Andruw Jones' batting average (70 games into the season): .208. Is there really a team that would give Andruw $15 million a year after a seasonal performance like this? Really, who would be that reckless with their money?

NL East Standings
NY Mets 37-30
Atlanta 37-33
Philadelphia 36-33
Florida 33-37
Washington 30-39

Bob Wickman can ruin your Red Jumpsuit Apparatus experience.

2007-06-15T14:00:00.000-05:00

Brian McCann's home run in the fifth inning secured a one-run lead for the Braves just as I was getting ready to go see the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

In case you're not familiar with Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, don't worry... neither am I. All I knew before the show is that they have a song on the radio called "Face Down," the best song about domestic violence since LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out." However, they are the closest thing to a rock show that Panama City is likely to get these days, so I figured I should give it a shot.

(By the way, the emo scene is alive and thriving in Panama City Beach. This was made more than evident to me when I visited our new movie theater on opening night, and was greeted by a chorus line of various bang-filled haircuts working the concessions... prompting me to comment to a friend, "This ain't a scene, it's a GOD-DAMN SNACK BAR.")

I get to the club, find my friends, down some mixed drinks and discuss how all the 14-year-olds look like they are 12... all the staples of going to an all-ages show in your late-20's. As we're waiting for the last opening band to finish their set, I remember, "Hey! I have a cell phone! I can check the score of the Braves game!"

I whip out my RAZR (excuse me) and access the internet function. After a couple of selections (which take at least 20-25 seconds each to load), I get the good news.

ATL 2 MIN 0 BOTTOM 8TH

While waiting for Red Jumpsuit Apparatus to get on the stage, my friends and I discuss the following topics: Johan Santana's win-loss record, the NL East standings, why the NBA Finals suck, why the Cleveland Cavaliers suck, why I should have an NBA blog (but then again, who doesn't), my lack of desire to see Red Jumpsuit Apparatus doing blow backstage, my lack of desire to see Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' roadies doing blow backstage, and why I shouldn't talk about Red Jumpsuit Apparatus doing cocaine in front of the 14-year-olds (my response: I was using the codename "blow").

Hey, time for a score check! Internet...(waiting)...Sports...(waiting)...(waiting)....

ATL 2 MIN 0 BOTTOM 9TH

I check the box score to see if Hudson is going for the complete game shutout. Waiting... waiting... waiting....

ATL 2 8 1
MIN 0 3 0

0B:0S:0O
On-base: Castillo
Batting: Mauer
Pitching: Wickman

(Later I would learn via ESPN Bottom Line that Hudson left the game in the eighth with an undisclosed injury... that's just great.)

I notice that my phone has a GameCast function, which means I can follow the game while waiting for the band to come out. Couldn't hurt, right? Waiting... waiting... waiting....

ATL 2 MIN 0 BOTTOM 9TH

1B:2S:1O
On-base: Castillo
Batting: Cuddyer
Pitching: Wickman

The main problem with the cell phone GameCast is that it doesn't automatically update. You have to select "Refresh" and then wait the mandatory 20-25 seconds for the page to reload. The time to load increases because of the batter graphic that tells you where the pitches are located, which is really unnecessary. I just need to know balls and strikes, Cingular.

Refresh...(waiting)...(waiting)...(waiting)....

(Waiting)....

ATL 2 MIN 1 BOTTOM 9TH

0B:0S:1O
On-base: Cuddyer
Batting: Morneau
Pitching: Wickman

1st pitch: Strike
2nd pitch: Foul
3rd pitch: Ball
4th pitch: In play, run(s)

Cuddyer triples to left, Castillo scores.

At this point, I remember three things... first, Wickman's blown save against the Marlins earlier in the year, which caused me to write a manifesto of hatred towards the Braves' South Florida rivals. Second, every broadcaster's description of Wickman's pitching style contains some variation of the following: "He doesn't try to strike you out, he just pitches the ball and says, 'If you can hit it, okay.'" (this is the worst possible philosophy to have in a situation with a man on third with one-out grasping to a one-run lead).

And third, I remembered when Wickman and Dmitri Young teamed up and powerbombed Trish Stratus through a table.

Did you feel like a man, Bob? When you pushed her around?

Refresh...(waiting)...(waiting)...(waiting)....

(Loading stupid fucking batter graphic)....

ATL 2 MIN 1 BOTTOM 9TH

2B:2S:1O
On-base: Cuddyer, Morneau
Batting: Hunter
Pitching: Wickman

1st pitch: Ball
2nd pitch: Strike
3rd pitch: Strike
4th pitch: Ball
5th pitch: In play

Morneau reaches on infield single, Cuddyer at third.

I didn't know how this was possible, but hey, the twin killing is in play (yeah, yeah, shut up).

Refresh...(waiting)...(waiting)...(waiting)....

(emo kids wondering why I'm staring intently at my phone)....

ATL 2 MIN 2 BOTTOM 9TH

3B:2S:1O
On-base: Morneau, Hunter
Batting: Redmond
Pitching: Wickman

1st pitch: Ball
2nd pitch: Ball
3rd pitch: Strike
4th pitch: Foul
5th pitch: Foul
6th pitch: Ball
7th pitch: In play, run(s)

Hunter reaches on fielder's choice, Cuddyer scores on error, Morneau to third, Hunter to second.

Now we're having a discussion about how I shouldn't yell "Fuck!" in front of the 14-year-olds.

Refresh...(waiting)...(waiting)...(waiting)....

(why the fuck is the club playing "This Is Why I'm Hot" during a rock show?)....

ATL 2 MIN 3 BOTTOM 9TH
...

1st pitch: Strike
2nd pitch: Foul
3rd pitch: Ball
4th pitch: Ball
5th pitch: In play, run(s)

Needless to say, I was not in the mood to listen to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus after this turn of events. To be honest, I'm probably too old for those shows now. When you're pushing thirty, it's hard to take a song called "Seventeen Ain't So Sweet" seriously.

(I did find it amusing when the lead singer asked the crowd, "Has anyone here ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend?" and the crowd screamed as if they were excited that they had been stabbed in the back by a close friend.)

As far as the Braves bullpen is concerned, Bob Wickman is beginning to lose my confidence. He has only blown three saves, but two of those were devastating (although to be fair, he was hurt by defensive miscues in both those games). Meanwhile, Rafael Soriano has done an amazing job in both a set-up and closer role this season. Opponents are only batting .167 against the Ronin, as opposed to .343 against Wickman. Soriano is also 5-for-5 in save opportunities, and unlike Wickman, is not likely to die of a heart attack at any given moment.

Will Bobby Cox make the switch? Can Wickman be used in another role in the bullpen besides closer? Will I end up hanging out in front of Hot Topic wearing tight blue jeans and eye makeup after another blown save catastrophe?

I may be wrong, but I believe "diversity" is an old wooden ship used during the Civil War era.

2007-06-13T19:11:00.000-05:00

This is the cover of next week's Sports Illustrated... nothing like a good old SI cover jinx to help you out of a 1-8 tailspin, right Mets?

I'm curious to see if the article will cover Gary Sheffield's recent comments about why there aren't more black players in Major League Baseball, or mention that the Mets' main division rivals have exactly one African-American on their active roster (Willie Harris... who, by the way, is a Dale Murphy fan). But I'm also entertained by how much this cover reminds me of a bank advertisement:

I'm sure that Omar Minaya will have no trouble picking up an Asian woman before the trading deadline.

Betting against the Cubs can be fun and profitable.

2007-06-11T01:20:00.000-05:00

I woke up Saturday afternoon with two text messages waiting for me. They were from my old roommate Dale, a Cubs fan who likes to masquerade on this blog as "the guy banging my mom."

After the first two games of the Braves' series with Chicago, where the Cubs had held the Braves to two total runs and nine total hits, and with Atlanta in the midst of a four game losing streak, Dale sent me these two messages:

Wow cubs pitching looking Damn good
...
Twenty on the sweep

Yes, friends, this is a man who will place green money on the success of Jason Marquis.

Needless to say, I'm twenty bucks richer (could've been forty if I would've had more confidence in Buddy Carlyle) and the Braves are only 2.5 games back (four in the loss column).

If I had to describe the early NL WIld Card race in one word, it would be logjammin'.

Look at these standings...

NY Mets 36-25
San Diego 36-26
Arizona 37-27
LA Dodgers 35-28
Atlanta 35-29

That's five good teams fighting for three playoff spots now... not to mention Philadelphia creeping up behind at 32-31. This is a negative byproduct of both the Braves' and the Mets' losing streaks from this week.

The sad thing is that if the Cubs were to get their act together, they could potentially sneak back into the mix, because the NL Central is so bad. And then I'll get more text messages from the Grimey Mom-Banger.

"Grimey Mom-Banger"... That sounds like a beverage.

NL East Standings
NY Mets 36-25
Atlanta 35-29
Philadelphia 32-31
Florida 31-33
Washington 26-37

"I'm just a sexy boy / I'm not your boy toy."

2007-06-07T16:50:00.000-05:00

Talk about a crazy bad week. First the Braves lose three of four against the archenemy Marlins, and I have such a busy Wednesday at work that I don't have the time to drum up support for my entry in the Ladies... Hot Blogger Bracket.

Why hello. I couldn't help but notice you there in my bedroom closet. What are you, 7'2"?

As of right now, I'm down but not out in my first round match up against TheGoldfishCowboy, one of the writers over at A Homewrecker is a Burrito. According to the site's main header, he roots for the Tennessee Volunteers, the Detroit Tigers, and the Cincinatti Bengals... thereby making him an official fan of crime.

Look at him. Using the memory of a dead horse to try to curry favor with the voters. For shame.

Anyway, dear readers, we simply cannot allow ThisGoldfishCowboy to advance to his inevitable fate of getting blown away by Dan Shanoff's "Robin Williams-esque" armhair (unsurprisingly not pictured in his entry... oh wait, here it is).

Take a couple minutes out of your day and go vote for Grimey (I'm the 19-seed!). And hey, get a bunch of your Latino friends to vote for me too. They'll do what you tell them to, right Sheff?

Oh, almost forgot... thanks to Jay Busbee of Sports Gone South for whipping up some support for the cause. Otherwise I'd probably be getting smacked around like Mark Redman right now.

Lou Piniella could use a daiquiri.

2007-06-04T18:58:00.000-05:00

And so I spent another Sunday cavorting with friends on the beach instead of witnessing another bad Braves loss (although a first-inning grand slam is slightly less devastating than a walk-off home run).

My only regret is that I lost my daiquiri cup somewhere during all the beach debauchery. Hopefully it's living on a farm somewhere with my piss-stained royal flush jacket.

Oh, and to Julie, the crazy girl we met and did shots with: my left nipple still hurts.

But good news for Braves fans... two more series wins this week and gaining a game on the Mets in the race for the division lead. Some bad news... the archenemy Florida Marlins picked up Armando Benitez in a trade with San Francisco. This means that Benitez will have TEN (10) more opportunities to blow saves against the Mets this year.

Look at how chummy Mr. Met and Billy the Marlin are there in the background. I'm telling you there's some kind of collusion goings on.

NL East Standings
MY Mets 35-20
Atlanta 32-24
Philadelphia 28-29
Florida 27-30
Washington 23-34

Never taunt Carlos Zambrano by saying "Scoreboard."

2007-06-02T13:20:00.000-05:00

I turned on yesterday's Braves-Cubs game in the middle of Atlanta's five-run fifth inning... just in time for the fisticuffs!

The fight then moved to the clubhouse, where Zambrano busted Barrett's lip open and sent him to the hospital.

Needless to say, Zambrano's next start is going to be a little awkward. But you know what they always say, the best thing about having a fight is the make-up sex.

In other Cubs news, Kerry Wood busted open his lip while drinking a beverage.

I will do the Sunday wrap-up on whatever day I damn well please.

2007-05-29T19:20:00.000-05:00

Quite a roller coaster of emotions this week. John Smoltz got his 200th career win last Wednesday to give the Braves their third series win over the Mets, inching them back to within 1.5 games of the NL East lead.

Then everything went to shit as Chase Utley, Ryan Howard and the Phillies' offense decided that they wanted to be awesome again. The Braves were swept in a weekend home series, while Florida decided to dump the bed against the Mets (I'm beginning to think that the Marlins are Worm to the Mets' Mike McD).

Naturally, I took out my frustrations on every love bug in the Tampa area.

Vaya con dios, fuckers.

Bobby Cox is one game away from tying John McGraw's major league record of 131. His latest ejection came after arguing whether a Willie Harris grounder went fair or foul. I wonder what Bobby could have said...

"This is not your ass, this is a hole in the ground. You should know the difference."

NL East Standings (as of May 28)
NY Mets 32-17
Atlanta 29-22
Philadelphia 26-25
Florida 24-27
Washington 21-30

Gonzo, I'm so so sorry.

2007-05-26T15:40:00.000-05:00

In the words of D'Angelo, "Shit. Damn. Motherfucker."*

From Martin Gandy's Talking Chop:

Well I guess by now you've heard the news, Mike Gonzalez is lost for the season with a tear in the ligament in his elbow and will undergo Tommy John surgery. ... A minute or so after I finished talking with Salty, John Schuerholz, Frank Wren, and Mike Gonzalez all filed into the clubhouse and stood in front of Mike's locker. The media fell into line around them and the look on Gonzo's face said it all. Schuerholz calmly explained that Mike Gonzalez and the team has elected for Tommy John surgery to correct a tear in the ligament that the latest MRI revealed. Apparently it is a tiny tear below the elbow that the first MRI was unable to detect. He had to go to New York to see a specialist and get some sort of "super-MRI" before the tear was seen. After getting recommendations from the doctors in New York and team physician Joe Chandler the decision was made to go ahead and take the surgery option.

This is a shame because Gonzo had worked his way into the hard-to-reach category of "Braves Relief Pitcher I Trust," along with Rafael Soriano, early-2000's John Smoltz, and Rick Camp.

By the way, this is the second Brave that I have written about that has been lost for the season (along with Mike Hampton). As a matter of fact, I've written about Brian McCann, Andruw Jones, Mariano Rivera, Mark Redman, and General Sherman... McCann has a banged up ring finger, Andruw and Mariano have been having sub-par years, Redman is out of a job, and Sherman is dead.

Are the people I write about cursed? And if that's the case, how the hell is Matt Chico still alive?

To test this theory out, expect future posts about the following:

Jose Reyes
Derek Jeter
The Chicago Cubs
A.J. Soprano
Deion Sanders
My roommate Frank
Scott Storch
Ken Dynamo's boyfriend (who may also be my roommate Frank)

* Here's a question that's haunted me for a long time... D'Angelo's "Brown Sugar" is one of the finest collections of baby-making music ever assembled, along with a seven-minute version of "Cruisin'" so good you'll want to beat Huey Lewis and Gwenyth Paltrow to death with a clawhammer. And right in the middle is the mood-killing "Shit Damn Motherfucker," which is so bad you have to interrupt the baby-making to hit the "Next" button. Why, D'Angelo, why?

Oh, and why are you a cokehead?

So, how's this little experiment going?

2007-05-25T11:45:00.000-05:00

Anyway, I'm hoping that this blog will help me be a better Braves fan, or at least make me feel worse about being a bad one.

- Grimey, three months ago

Am I a better Braves fan? Well, let's see...

Number of Braves games attended: Zero. Way to go, me. The sad thing is that if the Devil Rays weren't on the road this weekend, my first live game this year would have been at the Trop.

(Actually, I was pretty upset when my sister, who I am visiting in Tampa, told me that the D-Rays are going to be in Chicago this weekend playing the White Sox. So upset that I sent her a text message of Elijah Dukes' handgun and left her an angry voicemail. What can I say, I wasn't bullshittin'.)

I have been watching more Braves games on TBS, and on MLB.TV when my roommate is sating his passion for the History Channel (by the way, I will give my credit card information away to anyone besides my roommate who watched "Siberian Apocalypse" last Sunday night).

Did I ever get that Brian McCann jersey? Hell no. I did, however, get a Mike Hampton-themed T-shirt from The Dugout, and two weeks later Mike was out for the season.

God forbid I should buy Brian's jersey, and three days later the ring finger on his catching hand should fall off. That would not be good for anybody. McCann would be out for the season, and Antonio Alfonseca would be jealous.

Did I ever figure out who the fuck is Scott Thorman? Why yes. Yes I did. He's the black guy, right?

The verdict? One out of three is still bad. My blog gets to keep its name.

Which is good, since it's on all my stationery.

I'm pretty sure this is one of the new obstacles on "Ninja Warrior."

2007-05-21T14:20:00.000-05:00

That's former New York Mets and current Chiba Lotte Marines manager Bobby Valentine cutting a little rug with the local Japanese ladies. According to The Fanhouse, Valentine moonlights as a dance instructor at a local gym in exchange for free membership. I can hardly wait for the day when the local Japanese Baptist preacher catches wind of this, and tries to put a stop to the Chiba senior prom.

By the way, if "The Cosby Show" were still around today, Dr. Huxtable would totally wear Bobby's shirt in at least two episodes. And Tempestt Bledsoe would weigh 300 pounds.

(Thanks to The Mets Are Better Than Sex for the link.)

Andruw Jones is having an "Ocho Cinco" kind of year.

2007-05-21T00:30:00.000-05:00

It's bad enough for the Braves to lose a four-game series to the last-place Washington Nationals.

It's worse when the division rival New York Mets get two big wins thanks to the Chicago Cubs god-awful bullpen (hey Cubs bullpen, die in a fire... A CHICAGO FIRE!). Nothing says "team of destiny" like rallying back from two four-run deficits... one by winning with a walk-off walk, the other by a ninth-inning rally.

So the Braves end the week on a 2-5 slump and a noticeable 2.5 game deficit in the NL East standings, which could balloon to 5.5 if they don't get their act together against the Mets this week (three-game series starting Tuesday). This means no more striking out five times in a game, Andruw.

Has any player in the final year of a contract before sweet beautiful free agency had a worse year offensively than Andruw is having right now? He's been hovering around Mendoza all year, he's striking out one out of every three times at the plate... it's like he's mirroring the start of Chad Johnson's football season last year (and this would not be the first time he's mimicked "Ocho Cinco").

Chad Johnson had a horrible start to the 2006 NFL season, but was able to turn it around and led the NFL in receiving yards, and dropped some crazy offensive games mid-season... which would bode well for Andruw. Unfortunately, the Bengals missed the playoffs thanks to some heartbreaking losses to end the season... hopefully the Braves can avoid that.

And hopefully Andruw doesn't get concussed slamming into the outfield wall and end up delivering an interesting-yet-sad postgame interview.

NL East Standings
NY Mets 28-15
Atlanta 26-18
Philadelphia 22-22
Florida 21-23
Washington 16-28

Where's the rivalry in the "regional rivalries?"

2007-05-16T23:15:00.000-05:00

One more game against the "Oh My God We Almost Got No-Hit By The" Washington Nationals and then the Braves are shipping up to Boston to take on the Red Sox in the first interleague games of the season.

(I'm setting the over-under of Braves hits against Dice-K Matsuzaka at 1.5.)

Chipper Jones had some choice words about the so-called "regional rivalry" games:

"It's a factor (in the pennant race)," Jones said. "We play Boston six times, and they've got the best record in the American League. ... It's unfair for us and the Mets on a year-in, year-out basis to have to play the Yankees and Red Sox when other teams don't."

Here's the real question... is there really a rivalry between the Red Sox and the Braves? At all?

Of course we all know that the Braves franchise started in Boston back in the late 19th century. After changing their name more times than Dead Monkeys, the franchise did a 12-year cup of coffee in Milwaukee before settling in Atlanta in 1966.

How many Bostonians are pissed off about this? Zero. Except for this one Boston Red Sox fan named Daniel Kabila who sent me this e-mail:

I am Daniel Kabila the son of the late Democratic Republic of Congo President Laurent Desire Kabila of the blessed memory. I have a sum of US$500M(Five Hundred Million United State Dollars) which I intend to use to purchase the Atlanta Braves and relocate back to its original city of Boston. I am seeking for a reliable foreigner who can assist me in moving this money out of my country's corrupt banking system and into your country.

I would argue that Atlanta has a stronger regional rivalry with Tampa Bay than with Boston. Of course there's the NFC South rivalry between the Falcons and the Buccaneers, and then there's that time that Ybor City got really drunk and called Buckhead a bitch to her face. The Braves should definitely play the Devil Rays six times a year instead of the Red Sox.

The Sox could face the Marlins for their rivalry games. Once again, there's the NFL connection (Dolphins v. Patriots). There's the Josh Beckett-Hanley Ramirez history. And there's the fact that Massholes practically swamp Miami during the winter, which I'm sure the locals love.

My other regional rivalry that makes no sense: the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Don't the Dodgers have too much natural hate for San Francisco, as well as the Angels having too much hate dedicated to Oakland? I'm guessing this one is going to come off like that one episode of "The Tick" where another Tick tries to get him to renounce his name. "You... are... BARRY BARRY BARRY BARRY BARRY...."

(I tried to find a YouTube clip of this scene, but instead found this video using clips from the same episode, which is fucking awesome.)

Another Sunday, another division lead.

2007-05-13T23:03:00.000-05:00

Another two series wins for the Braves, and Atlanta now has a half-game lead over the Mets in the NL East. Great performances this week from Rafael Soriano and Mike Gonzalez in the set-up and closer roles, plus Willie Harris (who in his two weeks with the Braves has accumulated 12 more hits than Ryan Langerhans for the whole season).

By the way, TBS, no. I will not watch Tyler Perry's House of Payne.

Or The Bill Engvall Show.

Or the eventual sitcom you will give to Lisa Lampanelli.

(By the way, I apologize for the lack of posts this week. It's been a crazy week at work, and I recharged this weekend by not writing and getting Van Hammered instead. It sucks when you don't even have the time or energy to write about how awesome New Orleans is.)

(And for those who were wondering about the aforementioned poker room jacket, it did not last one day in New Orleans. It was laying on the floor, where it got pissed on by one of the army guys who was sharing the hotel room. He offered to clean my jacket, after which I informed him that it was no longer "my" jacket. We left it on the hotel room floor, where I'm sure a cleaning lady performed a proper burial.)

Godspeed, poker room jacket.

NL East Standings
Atlanta 24-13
NY Mets 23-13
Philadelphia 17-20
Florida 16-21
Washington 12-25

Maddux vs. Smoltz. Bad Braves Liveblog III.

2007-05-09T18:20:00.000-05:00

"It's Greg Maddux versus John Smoltz, what a pitching matchup in this one. It's ONE FOR THE AGES!" - Seth Everett, MLB.TV Master of Hyperbole

I'll be hearing this over and over until this game finally kicks off. Can't they play a Chevy Silverado commercial or something?

Jon Sciambi and Joe Simpson with the call. I like to think that one during every broadcast, Simpson looks over at Sciambi and says, "You're not Skip Caray," in Brick Tamland-fashion.

Chris Woodward playing short for a flu-ridden Edgar Renteria, and immediately boots an easy grounder. Get well soon, Edgar. And he almost boots another one, but gets Adrian Gonzalez in time to end the inning. This should be an adventure.

If at least 66% of the people in this picture are pitching in a game, I'm probably liveblogging it.

According to some Deadspin commenters, today's New York Times crossword clues were written by Bill Clinton. So while registering for the New York Times website to check this bad boy out, Geoff Blum hits a solo home run. Hey Geoff, what's a seven-letter word for rectum?

Greg Maddux gets a standing ovation at the plate. That's pretty awesome. And Mad Dog gets a base hit, not so awesome. And the Atlanta crowd boos! Marcus Giles grounds out... 1-0 Padres.

I think I heard John Smoltz yell "DANG IT" right as Adrian Gonzalez delivered a solo shot over the left field fence to make it 2-0 Padres in the third. And I'm not censoring him, I really think he said "dang."

Bottom of the third, 2 outs... Willie Harris walks on four pitches, Chipper reaches on an error to give the Braves runners at first and third... and out comes the chant! Here's Andruw... pop-out. Derp.

Pre-taped interview with Maddux and Smoltz together. Maddux talks about coming to the stadium and seeing all the division championship flags in the left side of the outfield. Of course for all Braves fans, when we see all those flags on television, we know what it means... finish your beer.

Geoff Blum, as long as Jeff Francoeur is in that right field, you are not getting a triple. Say goodbye to your cycle dreams RIGHT NOW.

They just replayed when Maddux was on first base after his base hit off of Smoltz... he was asking to keep the ball. Oh Maddux, you scamp.

For those of you who don't know, when the broadcast goes to commercial, MLB.TV goes to a Pac-Man simulation that looks like this (thanks to Awful Announcing for the pic):

It's basically the same animation played over and over, and it drives me nuts. Pac-Man doesn't even try to go for the ghosts to rack up points, he just ambles around like he's Margot Kidder or something. I'm a control freak, and this is not the way I play Pac-Man.

By the way, it's the fifth inning, and Chris Woodward just got the Braves' second hit of the game.

Willie Harris drives in Woody with a base hit... another 2-out RBI by the Braves. They are quite adept at that. Greg Maddux did not say "Dang." Chipper strikes out to end the inning, but now it's 2-1 Padres going to the sixth.

Smoltzy leaves Brian Giles on third with one out to end the top half of the sixth. I don't know if you can tell, but there has been some good pitching tonight.

Chris Patton from Peachtree City, Georgia thinks the Braves are going all the way this year. He likes the acquisition of Chris Woodward, and his favorite player is Jeff Francoeur. He does not mention, however, whether or not he thinks Jesus was black.

Maddux boots a grounder! What the fungus?

Andruw steals second easily with Maddux not even paying attention to him, McCann moves him over to third... here's Frenchy....

Hold on... Maddux leaving the game in the sixth. This is goofy. Awesome standing ovation by the Braves fans.

Clay Meredith comes in for the Padres with some hot sidearm action and gets Frenchy on the first pitch. Here's the fuck is Scott Thorman, who grounds out to end the inning. Meredith probably won't need to shower after the game.

Oh wait, there was a double switch. Clay Meredith will get stinky after all.

Kelly Johnson and Willie Harris go back-to-back with two out hits. We have a rally... so we have a chant. And Chipper gets a ground-rule double to tie the game at 2, and Willie Harris has to go back to third. Seriously, how much do ground-rule doubles suck?

And Cla will sta in the game. Base hit Andruw! Braves go up 3-2! That's twice in the last two games Andruw has brought in a go-ahead run with an opposite-field base knock. McCann lines out to end the inning, but the Braves take the lead, and Maddux loses the win opportunity. Clearly, it's not Cla's da.

Gonzo gets the padres in order to end the top of the eighth. If I got to choose nicknames, I would definitely make Mike Gonzalez's nick name El Wray. Er, I mean, El Wra.

Chris Patton of Peachtree City, Georgia's favorite acquisition Chris Woodward flies out to end the eighth. In comes Rafael Soriano (who has looked awesome in this closer role since Wickman got hurt).

Strikes Adrian Gonzalez out on a high fastball! One gone. Mike Cameron pops up to the catcher... two away now. Josh Bard is the last hope for the Pads. Strikeout to end the game, the Tobacco-Chewing Ronin does it again. He's 4-for-4 in save opportunities.

ONE FOR THE AGES? Not really. Pretty damn good though. Seth Everett of MLB.TV, you are forgiven.

Pac-Man, you are not.

... and luckily, I didn't die.

2007-05-08T10:30:00.000-05:00

No Sunday wrap-up this week, as I spent the entire weekend in New Orleans, and the only glimpse I had of the Braves-Dodgers series was a long-ass Chris Woodward at-bat in Game 2 that ended with a weak grounder to second (Pete Van Wieren probably called this a "good at-bat" around pitch nine).

The good news is that the Braves won the series, and they enter this week still tied for first in the NL East with the Mets (even after last night's loss to the Padres). The bad news is that Roger Clemens is no longer in the running for the coveted Mark Redman spot in the Braves rotation.

(Now what are the Braves going to do with their extra $18 million that's just lying around?)

The ugly news? The "royal flush" jacket didn't make it out of New Orleans alive. But that story will get its own post later.

So until then, who the fuck is Anthony Lerew?

It's a Bad Braves Travel Day!

2007-05-04T05:03:00.001-05:00

This weekend, I will be missing the Braves home series against the Dodgers to trek to the dirty, dirty city of New Orleans. I probably won't catch any of the games, and I definitely won't be cleaning anything up. Meanwhile, I've brought my laptop along to chronicle the trip (and to catch up on Season 3 of The Wire). First stop: Biloxi, Mississippi.

I left Panama City Beach around 7:30 pm, the plan being to stay in Biloxi Thursday night and then making the two hour trip to New Orleans Friday morning. The Braves had an off-day today, and the Mets won to pull into a first-place tie in the NL East. Derp.

(Fortunately, Game 6 of the Warriors-Mavericks series wasn't much of a game.)

Tonight, I'm staying at the Isle of Capri, the Tropicana Field of Biloxi casinos. Fortunately for me, the rooms are on the cheap, and fortunately for the casino, I have no desire to walk down to the Grand.

Also fortunately for me, the poker room is located directly by the hotel elevators.

* * * * *

At the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Tampa, Florida, if you hit a royal flush while playing Texas Hold'em, you win the pot, plus $100. At the Isle of Capri, you win the pot, plus a fucking jacket.

Hey, this wil come in handy when I'm 80.

Anyways, after blowing a bunch of money via three-card poker (the game that will eventually kill me), I'm ready to get four-and-a-half hours of sleep, and continue the trip.

Hey, it's just like if I was still working tomorrow.

Tom Brady is a bad Red Sox fan.

2007-05-03T10:30:00.000-05:00

Bill Simmons might actually light himself on fire.

The cover of today's Boston Herald:

"'Shocking' details?" Wait, let me guess. Tom Brady woke up that morning and his hair was mussed, and instead of taking a shower, he threw on a hat. Scandalous.

By the way, before it makes the front page of any major news publications, I do the same thing with a Brewers hat.

(Come on... that old school logo is bad ass.)

Say it with me... Sal-ta-la-macch-i-a.

2007-05-02T17:10:00.001-05:00

David O'Brien's latest AJC blog post reports that catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia (J-Rod?) has been called up from Double-A and will start tonight against the Phillies in place of Brian McCann (who has been hit on the ring finger of his catching hand twice in ten days) and Brayan Pena (who got knocked upside the head last night and got placed on the DL with post-concussion symptoms).

This will give Pena and McCann some free time to do some of their other favorite activities, like finding arrowheads in old Indian burial grounds and surfing with cursed tiki idols around their necks.

O'Brien also reports that current fan favorite Mark Redman is also going on the DL, and will have outpatient surgery on an in-grown toenail. With any luck, this surgery will add an extra seven or eight miles to Redman's fastball.

Scantily clad bartenders will help you become a bad Braves fan.

2007-05-02T03:15:00.000-05:00

This is Amanda. She's a better Braves fan than I am.

So instead of watching Cole Hamels lock down the Braves after Mark Redman wasted an early three-run lead, I went to the local Coyote Ugly and watched Game 5 of the Warriors-Mavericks series.

Fortunately, the Mets also lost to the Marlins, so the Braves retained first place in the NL East. But Mark Redman is probably done.

And here's Amanda about to demonstrate to some poor sap how how Mark Redman's night went tonight.

So much for my "Mark Redman needs run support" theory.

2007-05-01T20:00:00.000-05:00

In an April 23 post, I suggested one potential reason why Mark Redman might not be having success:

It seemed early on like the Braves were just surrendering the games where Mark Redman starts, but damn, can we get the guy some run support? The Braves have scored on five runs in the three games he's started (only one of those runs while Redman was in the game).

So what has happened in Mark Redman's last two starts?

April 24 at the Marlins: Braves get 4 runs in the first off Rick Vanden Hurk. Redman promptly allows four runs on four hits in the bottom of the first.

Braves come back in the second with another two runs, which Redman waits until the third inning to give back. His line for the night: 3.0 innings pitched, 7 hits, 6 earned runs.

Tonight against the Phillies: Redman gets staked a three run lead after the first inning, and proceeds to allow four runs (three earned) and leaves the game before the end of the second.

I honestly can't remember the last time the Braves had a starting pitcher that I had little to no confidence to get a win (probably because they've never signed Sidney Ponson).

If Lance Cormier is healthy, he should definitely take Redman's spot in the rotation. Hell, if Lance Bass is healthy, he should take Redman's spot.

Can we teach Hampton to throw with his other arm? These are all good ideas.

Before you call me a woman, just remember: that drink had grain alcohol in it.

2007-04-30T12:45:00.000-05:00

Instead of watching the Braves drop back down to second place in the NL East thanks to a Matt Holliday walk-off home run, I decided to go to the beach with friends and drink a 190 Octane daiquiri out of the above-pictured container.

(190 Octane... that's twice the octane of high-quality gasoline! And fifty times more tasty!)

Oh yeah, and I missed this.

(UPDATE: And of course YouTube pulls the video. Woo-HAH.)

So now the Braves and the Mets set off on similar weeks, each with a series against a middling division rival (Braves vs. Phillies, Mets vs. Marlins), then onto a top NL West team (Braves vs. Dodgers, Mets at Diamondbacks). The Mets also play an extra game this week, so we can get rid of that pesky .5 in the standings for a little while.

Could Kelly Johnson make the NL All-Star Team? Chase Utley is probably a lock for the fan vote, but I think Kelly has a decent shot to get selected if he keeps up his current pace. He currently leads all NL second basemen in runs scored, on-base percentage, walks and OPS (which is great for a lead-off hitter), and he's tied with four other second basemen at the top in home runs (with five). And yes, I know the All-Star Game is over two months away, but hell, the ballots are already out.

So long, Ryan Langerhans. David O'Brien of the AJC reports that the Braves sent Langerhans to Oakland for cash and a player to be named. As Velcro Vernacular notes, it turns out a guy batting .063 can get traded, even in a galaxy far, far away.

NL East Standings
NY Mets 15-8
Atlanta 15-9
Florida 11-13
Philadelphia 11-13
Washington 8-17

Matt Chico is the harbinger of my vengeance.

2007-04-27T23:50:00.000-05:00

Ken Dynamo, a contributor to the tastefully-named blog Go Mets Die Braves, pointed me in the direction of a post by Matthew Cerrone of Metsblog. In this post, dated today at 11:59 AM, Cerrone asks a question... who is the nemesis -- NOT the archenemy, the nemesis -- of the New York Mets?

In order to differentiate between a nemesis and an archenemy, Cerrone provides a quote from an essay by Chuck Klosterman. Which just happens to be the same passage from the same essay that I used to describe my hatred for the Florida Marlins two days prior.

That's one hell of a coincidence. But of course Cerrone didn't use my post (which was linked on Deadspin) as a basis for his post. I mean, if that was the case, he would have cited my post, right?

If Cerrone did use my post and not cite it, well, that would be upsetting. I'm sure the Metsblog faithful wouldn't have minded a new vehicle to crack wise about Braves fans (especially bad ones). Also since I am relatively new to the sports blogging game, I am not entirely knowledgable of the avenues to make a stink, so I won't. I'll just leave the whole thing to karma.

By the way, Cerrone, you will notice that tonight your beloved Mets lost to the Washington Nationals and starting pitcher Matt Chico.

This is Matt Chico, who in his previous start walked the opposing pitcher twice and threw a wild pitch into the first row on the first base-side (that video is hilarious).

Meanwhile, the Braves pull out a victory against Colorado (even with Bob Wickman developing Kolb-like symptoms) to take over first in the NL East.

That's another hell of a coincidence, Cerrone.

Let's break down that ninth inning.

2007-04-26T18:30:00.000-05:00

Since the Braves have an off-day today, I thought I'd address something a commenter said in my previous post about the Marlins being my archenemy.

But first, I'll just say this about the "Bloody Sock Hoax" situation... I don't care if he was telling the truth or not, I hope Gary Thorne gets fired by the Orioles and ABC/ESPN. That way, he can sign a fat contract with NBC and call hockey with Bill Clement again (my favorite announcing team for any sport*).

Anyway, here's what commenter JD had to say about last night's game:

BTW your silly old manager lost last nights game for you. Who the hell brings in Bob Wickman with the bases loaded?

I also checked out JD's blog entry about the game where he said this:

This loss falls on Bobby Cox shoulder’s. He should have never ran Hudson back out to the mound for an insignificant shutout victory. He also slipped up by bringing Bob Wickman into a situation where a strikeout pitcher was necessary, like Rafael Soriano.

I watched the ninth inning for the first time today (at the time I was listening to it on the radio... OLD SCHOOL), and here's what I noted:

At the end of the 8th inning, Huddy had thrown 106 pitches. He also struck out two Marlins in the inning. There is no reason to believe that Hudson can't go for the complete game shutout... it's a big motivator for a team (much like a no-hitter... at least that's what Fernando Vina said).

After Miguel Cabrera gets the single to start the inning, Wickman immediately starts warming up. Two pitches later, Cody Ross gets his single. Wicky clearly isn't ready, so pitching coach Roger McDowell comes out to stall (this would have been the best spot to bring in Wickman, but like I said, he just wasn't warmed up). Two pitches later, Boone gets his base knock, and in comes Wickman.

It's true that Bob Wickman is not a strikeout pitcher, but he's the closer, and he's paid to get the Braves out of situations like these when necessary. I credit Miguel Olivo with a good piece of hitting (swinging first pitch when Wicky wasn't loose) to bring in the first two runs, but the game-tying bloop single and the game-winning passed ball? Those were just unfortunate.

So who's to blame? Nobody. Certainly not Bobby Cox.

This was a fluke win for the Marlins. This ninth-inning situation was like pocket aces getting beat by a suited connector. You follow the same formula, you will win more times than you lose. But you do tend to remember when you get your aces cracked.

Especially by your archenemy.

* Until Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery start calling Final Fours.

Man oh man, do I hate the Marlins.

2007-04-26T01:33:00.000-05:00

The Florida Marlins are my most hated team in baseball.

Sorry, Mets fans... it's true. You really haven't cut the Braves as hard as you think you have.

A lot of my memories about the Mets are fond ones. I have a personalized autograph of Lenny Dykstra from when he was a rookie. I slightly remember watching the July 4th, 1985 Braves-Mets game that went 19 innings (my family and I were in a hotel room in Panama City, looking for a house... I had to go to sleep before the end), and I enjoyed watching it for the second time on ESPN Classic.

The Mets and the Braves also have a little bit in common... they've both lost an unwatchable World Series to the Yankees.

Chuck Klosterman had a great essay in his book Chuck Klosterman IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas called "Nemesis" (it can be found in its original magazine form here). It lays out the difference between a nemesis and an archenemy:

Now, I know that you're probably asking yourself, How do I know the difference between my nemesis and my archenemy? Here is the short answer: You kind of like your nemesis, despite the fact that you despise him. If your nemesis invited you out for cocktails, you would accept the offer. If he died, you would attend his funeral and—privately—you might shed a tear over his passing. But you would never have drinks with your archenemy, unless you were attempting to spike his gin with hemlock. If you were to perish, your archenemy would dance on your grave, and then he'd burn down your house and molest your children. You hate your archenemy so much that you try to keep your hatred secret, because you don't want your archenemy to have the satisfaction of being hated.

The Mets are my baseball nemesis. And I guess I am not supposed to reveal this, but I will anyway... the Marlins are my archenemy.

(It all goes back to Game 5 of the 1997 NLCS. There is no reason that I should remember Eric Gregg's name.)

So tonight's loss is especially frustrating. Not just because the Braves had a chance to retake first place in the NL East, not just because the Braves ruined a great outing from Tim Hudson (with his career-high 12 strikeouts), or because the tying run came on a bloop single and the winning run came on a passed ball, but because the Braves lost to THEM.

Those teal assholes.

The Braves will hold yo' check.

2007-04-24T21:27:00.000-05:00

Finally, the Braves are looking out for the fans that want the big ticket packages but spend too much money on high-definition TVs, student loan payments, and the under on Yankees-Red Sox games.

The Braves are offering 90-day interest-free financing on ticket packages over $200. That's right, friends... it's another bill!

Fans may use the financing program on ticket packages including full or half season, 20-game plans, flex plans or in combinations of four-game packs valued at $200 or more.

GE Money, formerly known as GE Consumer Finance, is coordinating the promotional financing program with the Braves and will collect payments.

Dennis Murphy, GE Money vice president of sporting goods industry, said the finance charge on balances unpaid after 90 days is between 20 percent and 25 percent and based on the prime rate.

Nothing enhances the big-league experience like a collection agency. Or any experience, really... I remember when Blockbuster called in a collection agency when I lagged on paying my late fee for Def Jam's How to Be a Player.

No word if you can get financing on a $6 beer, but they will still pour a sip in your hand for a dime.

Thanks to Lion in Oil for the link.

Which would you rather watch?

2007-04-23T12:40:00.000-05:00

You know what's awesome? Missing the Red Sox hitting back-to-back-to-back-to-back home runs off of Yankee pitching because your roommate is watching a shitty documentary on the History Channel.

Wait, did I say awesome? I meant fucktarded.

To be fair, let's see how the two stack up against each other...

That's Bill Oberst Jr. portraying General Sherman like a medieval king... Sir John Gielgud must not have been available. Oh wait, he's dead.

Fuck and yes. This has everything... Manny Ramirez promising to hit a home run for ~~a dying kid~~ Joe Morgan, the Yankees losing a three-run lead, and the whole thing being Alex Rodriguez's fault.

Thanks to With Leather for the Red Sox video.

The History Channel sucks.

2007-04-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

Daisuke Matsuzaka is facing the Yankees tonight for the first time (in HD, no less) to give the Red Sox a chance to sweep the Yankees. So of course, my roommate is watching "Sherman's March" on the History Channel.

It's two fucking hours long, for God's sake. (And I have just been informed that there's another one tomorrow night! Another two fucking hours! Shoot me in the goddamn face!)

I guess I can't be too upset... the Braves are in first, and General Sherman is dead. Plus and plus.

Honestly, if you don't think that the NL East championship will come down to the wire between the Braves and the Mets, then you are probably a Mets fan.

By the way, Kelly Johnson is on a tear. He's doubled his batting average over the last couple weeks, and his OBP in the lead-off spot is up to .423. Meanwhile, Ryan Langerhans can't buy a hit (2 hits in 32 at-bats).

It seemed early on like the Braves were just surrendering the games where Mark Redman starts, but damn, can we get the guy some run support? The Braves have scored on five runs in the three games he's started (only one of those runs while Redman was in the game).

NL East Standings
Atlanta 12-6
NY Mets 11-6
Florida 8-10
Philadelphia 6-11
Washington 6-13

Smoltz v. Glavine II. Bad Braves Liveblog II.

2007-04-22T14:20:00.000-05:00

Kelly Johnson refuses to wait for me to finish my A-Rod post to put the Braves up 1-0 on Tom Glavine's first pitch. I will forgive him.

By the way, it would behoove TBS to get an HD channel. Although watching a late-40's Kim Catrall in high definition is probably a scary, scary thing. Mets go 1-2-3 in the first.

Lineups... for the Braves: KJ, Renteria, Chipper, Andruw, McCann, Francoeur, Matt Diaz, Craiggers, and Smoltz. For the Mets: Reyes, Lo Duca, Beltran, Delgado, Dvid Wright, Alou, Shawn Green, Porn-stache and Glavine. Chip Caray and Joe Simpson with the TBS call.

Simpson suggests that Brian McCann might move up to the clean-up spot with Andruw struggling. It's not the worst idea I have ever heard, especially how McCann hits for average plus home run power.

Base hit for Kelly Johnson in the third... he's 2-for-2 for the day. Last live blog, I was comparing KJ's on-base percentage to my blood-alcohol level. Now his OBP is 80 proof.

Chipper strikes out with Braves on first and third to end a third-inning threat. Glavine is getting into a groove.

Uh-oh. Shawn Green breaks up Smoltzie's no-hitter. Error by Chipper on a Valentin grounder, but Glavine's sacrifice attempt gets Shawn Green out at third. Too bad Jose Reyes is double-play proof. Reyes grounder to the first-base side, and Glavine is out at second. Two outs and Lo Duca is at the plate... Reyes steals second with no throw (who saw that coming?)... but Lo Duca grounds out to end the inning. Still 1-0 Braves after three. Phew.

According to The Mets Are Better Than Sex, the Braves are delicious steamed and covered in melted cheese.

The Braves squander a lead-off double by Andruw Jones in the fourth. Caray and Simpson talk about this starting to become a bad habit for Atlanta.

And Shawn Green ties the game with a solo home run... Porn-stache sends a ball deep to left field, but Diaz makes a good catch, then Smoltz delivers a web gem to throw out Glavine on a dribbling grounder. Base hit Reyes, ground-rule double by Lo Duca... and now Beltran is up with two outs. Beltran strikes out looking. Wow. 1-1 ballgame after five.

FRENCHIE! Two-out, two RBI base hit gives the Braves a 3-1 lead! And then gets picked off.

Just to let you know, I've been trying for the last hour to upload a picture of David Wright's ugly ass shoes (which Caray and Simpson talked about for his entire last at-bat), and so far it isn't working. Photobucket can lick my taint. (It just worked. Hooray.)

Situation developing... Smoltz walks Shawn Green to load the bases on four pitches, but Smoltz had an issue with the last ball. Cox smartly comes out to protect Smoltz and gets thrown out of the game... Porn-stache at bat, one out... bloop single, Delgado scores. Julio Franco pinch-hitting for Glavine, who pops out to shallow right, and with Frenchie's cannon, Moises Alou stays on third. Now to the dangerous Reyes... who triples. Fuck. 5-3 Mets. Make that 6-3... Lo Duca singles. Smoltz is also done for the day.

EDGAR!!! Three-run homer off Scott Schoeneweis to tie the ball-game at 6!

Now Chipper doubles, and they intentiionally walk Andruw to face McCann? Huh? And B-Mac pops out to make Willie Randolph look good. 6-6, bottom of the ~~sixth~~ seventh.

RAGE. KAGE. Holy shit, Kelly Johnson, three-run homer... his second jack of the day. The Braves are killing the Mets bullpen... 9-6 Braves. The Shea crowd is drained.

Tobacco-Chewing Ronin in the ballgame, and Shawn Green leads off with a single. And Soriano walks the pinch-hitter Newhan to bring up Jose Reyes. Ugh... but Reyes pops out. Now for Lo Duca... pops out to center to end the inning. Going to the ninth, Braves 9, Mets 6.

While we are on commercial break, I have to share this hilarious one I saw on SpikeTV about ten times during UFC 70. It literally got funnier every time.

Brian McCann lays down a beautiful two-strike bunt to advance runners to second and third after getting hit on the hand while trying to bunt. And Frenchie walks to load the bases for pinch-hitter Chris Woodward... who strikes out in three pitches, two outs now for Craiggers. Pop-up to center... Wickman in to close for the Braves. Beltran, Delgado, and David Wright up in the ninth.

This is awesome... Wickman takes his sweet-ass time between every pitch that Beltran fouls off. This happened seven or eight times before Beltran strikes out. One down.

Delgado walks on four pitches, but David Wright hits into a fielder's choice at second. Two outs, Pee Hands Alou at the plate... and hits a shot to left. Now for Shawn Green, who's had a great offensive day today... but he grounds out to end the game. Braves win and take the series.

That's two series against the Mets, two series wins. Honestly, this Braves-Mets race should be very entertaining all year, and should come down to the wire. Which will be a change for the NL East, for once.

Hey, Demolition Man on TBS! I think I'll do something else.

Can somebody tell Alex Rodriguez to start sucking again?

2007-04-22T14:12:00.000-05:00

You have probably noticed already -- hell, if Gene Wojciechowski gets around to writing about it, it's practically common knowledge -- Alex Rodriguez has started off on fire.

Three weeks into the season, he's leading the American League in homeruns (12; Ian Kinsler is second with 7) and runs batted in (31; David Ortiz is second with 17), and is third in batting average (.379; he trails Vlad Guerrero by .013). He keeps this up, he's got a chance to be the Yankees' first Triple Crown winner since Clu Haywood.

Despite A-Rod's hot start, the Yankees are still only playing .500 ball, and are sitting in third place in the AL East. They have some starting pitching issues, and Mariano Rivera has more blown saves than the entire Braves bullpen. Wouldn't it be insane if A-Rod had his best offensive season ever, and the Yankees missed the playoffs? In that situation, could he really be the MVP?

Man, it's been a long week. And it's only Wednesday night.

2007-04-19T02:18:00.000-05:00

The Washington Nationals did a good thing.

(By the way, shame on NBC. Fucksticks who commit suicide after shooting 32 random innocents like fish in a barrel do not deserve a forum to attempt to justify their actions posthumously, even if said justification attempt is mailed directly to you.)

And some poor soul has the same misplaced affection for Nationals oxygen-deprived starting pitcher Matt Chico as I have for former Brave Rafael Belliard. I can only hope I never end up on this list.

If you don't think this Phillies team is the best Phillies team ever, Charlie Manuel will fight you. And that's no lie.

Jimmy Rollins says that Brett Myers is the pitcher to relieve Jon Lieber.

(By the way, Fernando Vina is on Sportscenter right now explaining how a no-hitter can boost your team's morale. That's some good analysis!)

Finally, The Mets Are Better Than Sex unearthed an awesome photo gallery of the 1986 New York Mets. While I can't really condone the Braves-Mets brawl pic -- what did David Palmer ever do to Keith Hernandez -- this old picture of Doc Gooden and Gary Sheffield is, in a word, amazin'.

Gary Sheffield, you will have an invite to every Miami Vice party I throw for the rest of my life.

John Smoltz is emo.

2007-04-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

"I am glad we won, because I am fearful what I would have done to myself." -- John Smoltz, about last night's 6-4 win over the Nationals

It's never too early to renew your bad Braves fandom.

2007-04-16T01:00:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, I decided to make the five-hour drive to Atlanta for the Saturday and Sunday Braves games against the Marlins, who are the National League team that I hate the most by far.

(In fact, I'm surprised that there isn't more vitriol from Mets fans about the Florida Marlins... as far as I can tell, there's no blog called "Go Mets Die Marlins." Oh wait, I know why, the Marlins tend to trade their best players to the Mets for prospects so that they can dump salary. How could I forget.)

Soon to be traded to the Mets for two minor leaguers and Season 3 of "Lost" on DVD.

Anyway, I wake up Saturday morning, shower, get packed up, and check the Atlanta weather for the weekend online.

Fifty degrees and thunderstorms forecast for both days. To quote Albert Einstein, "fuck that noise."

So I stayed in Panama City Beach this weekend. Instead of game tickets and a hotel room, I spent my money on online poker and Jager shots. I don't feel so bad, Saturday night's game was postponed, and Sunday's game looked miserable for all in attendance, despite the Braves winning 8-4.

It's looking like the first chance I will have to make it out to Turner Field will be the last weekend in May when the Braves once again take on the "team to beat" Phillies. Hopefuly the weather will unfuck itself by then.

Here's some notes for the end of Week 2...

Smoltz, Hudson, Chuck James Bitch, and Kyle Davies' combined ERA: 1.86. 2006 All-Star Mark Redman's ERA: 12.96. Derp.

I heard Skip Caray complain about the upcoming road trip for the Braves, and I have to agree. It's pretty batshit insane. The Braves go to D.C. for two days (Monday and Tuesday), then go back to Atlanta for two days to take on the Cubs. They then fly to New York for a weekend series, and immediately fly to Miami to play three at the Marlins. They finally get a day off before flying from Miami to Denver for a weekend series against the Rockies. Fortunately for the Braves, the Mariners are in the American League, so they are not allowed to travel to Seattle for this little trek.

NL East Standings
Atlanta 8-3
NY Mets 7-4
Florida 6-5
Philadephia 3-8
Washington 3-9

I forgave Lonnie Smith tonight.

2007-04-13T05:00:00.000-05:00

Not much to say after you get two-hit by the Nationals, it happens... I guess... so instead, let's concentrate on the worst baserunning play I've ever seen. Ever.

Now I've seen a lot of screwed up baserunning in my day. I saw Lonnie Smith have a brainfart courtesy of Chuck Knoblauch in the '91 World Series. I saw Cardinals third base coach Jose Oquendo throw his hands up in disgust as Jeff Suppan got stuck between third base and home plate without a clue. But I have never... EVER... seen anything as bad as what I saw in the ninth inning of tonight's Twins-Devil Rays game.

Here's the situation (until this gem gets on the YouTubes)...

2-2 game in the top of the ninth... Carl Crawford at the plate with no outs and Ben Zobrist (Devil Rays SS) on first. Crawford rips a ball to the right field fence. Crawford, a speedy fellow with a penchant for triples, runs directly to third base, not realizing that D-Rays third base coach Tom Foley (who lives in a van down by the river) has held Zobrist at third. Zobrist decides to nonchalantly stride to home plate, while Twins second baseman Luis Castillo duns the ball to Joe Mauer to get Zobrist in a rundown.

Not terrible... it's unfortunate, it happens. The Devil Rays will still have a runner on third with one out. Any fly ball will score the speedy Crawford from third.

EXCEPT, Crawford (who is literally standing on third base at this point) decides to run back to second base. Zobrist, who officially mailed in the rundown, gets tagged out by catcher Joe Mauer, who then has plenty of time to toss the ball to second base to tag out Crawford. 9-4-2-6 double play. Justin Morneau leads off the bottom of the inning with a walk-off home run, Twins win 3-2.

Sure, it wasn't a World Series game. Hell, we're still only in the second week of the season. But after all these years filled with Devil Ray losses, their fans don't deserve to have their team lose a game in this fashion. Shouldn't they be able to two-hit a good team every once in a while too?

(By the way, the Florida Lottery Play 4 tonight was 9-4-2-6. And that's not even true!)

Hey! Matt Chico!

2007-04-10T19:55:00.000-05:00

Hmmm... maybe some body should tell Matt Chico to breathe.

HEY! MATT CHICO! BREATHE!

Phew. That was a close one. Look at him... I think the oxygen is getting him stoned.

(By the way, I won't be watching tonight's Nats-Braves opener. It turns out my roommate has a hard-on for CBS's Tuesday night line-up... I mean, who wouldn't want to miss quality shows like "NCIS" and "The Unit." Fortunately I will be using this time in a more productive manner, like figuring out how exactly Rose McGowan is firing her leg-gun.)

Thanks a lot, Phillies.

2007-04-10T01:25:00.000-05:00

I started watching the Phillies-Mets game today during the seventh inning, with Philadelphia holding a 5-3 lead, two innings away from putting the Mets two games back of the Braves in the loss column.

So naturally, the Phillies bullpen gives up eight runs in two innings. Good job, guys.

* * * * *

I may be a bad Braves fan, but at least I am optimistic. Your 2007 Washington Nationals, recently discovered by DC Sports Bog, borders on morbid. For example:

Manny Acta is moving a couple of guys around the rotation. What the hell for? No need to re-arrange the deckchairs on this Titanic.

And here I thought that Pirate fans were depressed.

* * * * *

Finally, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Ichiro Suzuki will face off Wednesday for the first time since coming over from Japan. Digital Headbutt found a Japanese preview on YouTube, which is a pretty amazing video.

There are many things I love about this video...

I have no idea what the announcers are saying during Ichiro's three strikeouts, but that's some good broadcasting. Is Gus Johnson Asian too?
While Ichiro is walking and being interviewed, he totally stops to check out one girl's rack.
After Ichiro finally hits a home run, Dice-K's facial expression is classic. It's like Japanimation... and Matsuzaka is a panda that just got knocked on its ass. Is it too early to call this "The Dice-K Face," Sports Guy?

Mike Hampton is out for the season.

2007-04-09T20:05:00.000-05:00

According to Mark Bowman of MLB.com, Mike Hampton has a torn flexor tendon in his pitching elbow which will require season-ending surgery.

When asked for comment, Chicago Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood replied, "Man, that guy just can't seem to stay healthy."

Thanks to HomeStarRunner.com for the background.

(UPDATE: The guys from The Dugout turn this story into a combination of German scheisse porn and social commentary on trail mix.)

I forgive Rose McGowan for "Charmed."

2007-04-08T22:08:00.000-05:00

Rose McGowan in Grindhouse: hot.

The Braves taking two of three from the Mets to take an early lead in the division standings: also hot.

Here's some interesting numbers for Opening Week, courtesy of MLB.com...

Money man Brian McCann leads the team in OPS at 1.144, meanwhile potential $150 Million Dollar Man Andruw Jones' OPS sits at .448, and he leads the team with nine strikeouts.

I remarked during yesterday's liveblog that my blood alcohol level on Friday night was probably higher than Kelly Johnson's on-base percentage. Well, KJ's OBP is .292, and I did not die of alcohol poisoning this weekend, so I was wrong. HOWEVUH, Kelly's batting average is sitting on .150, which is certainly a fun night out at the bar.

As for the bullpen, five save opportunities, five saves. Tobacco-Chewing Ronin Rafael Soriano hasn't allowed a hit in 3.2 innings.

NL East Standings
Atlanta 5-1
Florida 4-2
NY Mets 4-2
Philadelphia 1-5
Washington 1-6

(UPDATE: David O'Brien points out in his AJC Braves blog that the Braves currently lead the NL East while only hitting .220 as a team.)

Smoltz v. Glavine. Bad Braves Liveblog I.

2007-04-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

Alright, kids... I'm going to be liveblogging today's Braves-Mets matchup (starting at 3:30 PM EDT/2:30 PM CDT). I'll be sticking with it until I get a phone call for socializing plans, or the Mets decide to repeat their little offense-gasm from last night. Whichever comes first.

Until then, I'm rewatching Florida's win over Ohio State in Monday's national championship game. This whole Billy Packer/"fag out" controversy is pretty humorous... Packer said he frequently uses "fag" as a verb to mean "to exhaust or tire," but not once during this whole national championship game did Packer say that Greg Oden looked faggy.

Anyway, the game starts in twenty minutes... feel free to join me in the comments.

By the way, before the game starts, I'll throw in my two cents on Colin "Schrutebag" Cowherd dropping a nuke on The Big Lead. I went back and listened to the archived broadcast, and it was totally a dick move by Schrutebag. I totally hope he gets prosecuted and fired... not only for this little stunt, but also for doing blow during his broadcasts.

And we're off. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver with the call. Joe Buck is wearing a pink shirt and complaining about the weather. Add in the fact that Buck was the pitchman for DirectTV's then-exclusive Extra Innings package... he's getting close to reaching Schrutebag levels of doucheness. Let's see if he tries to blow up Awful Announcing before the seventh-inning stretch.

MLB is keeping Johnny Pesky off the Red Sox bench? Horseshit! It's not like he's Dusty Baker's kid... Jason Varitek isn't grabbing him to keep him from getting barreled over by Big Papi at home plate. LET HIM SIT!

Ken Rosenthal talking about the Braves possibly picking up Mike Cameron as a free agent next year if the Padres don't sign him to a three-year extension. Possible replacement for Andruw Jones in center if the Braves can't afford him. Probably a better lead-off hitter than Kelly Johnson, too.

Here's your line-ups... For the Mets: Reyes, Lo Duca, Beltran, Delgado, Wright, Alou, Green, Valentin, and Tommy Glavine. Lo Duca gives us the line-up, apparently the Mets hand out nicknames like Sawyer from "Lost."

It's cold in Atlanta, and Buck mentions that he and McCarver have snuggled up against each other often (in October). Remember, he said this while wearing a pink shirt.

Lo Duca is better at baseball than Sawyer. Solo home run, 1-0 Mets. Next batter, E-5 Chipper. This game will likely be similar to the game last night. Fortunately Smoltz throws a little harder than 85 mph.

44 degrees in the ATL. I'm glad I decided against seeing this game live.

Smoltz gets Delgado on a lazy 3-2 pop-up to the catcher, who gets Beltran (running on the pitch) at first. The Braves can do double plays too, Mets.

Braves line-up: Johnson, Renteria, Chipper Jones, Andruw Jones, Francoeur, McCann, Craiggers, Matt Diaz, and Smoltz. Tim Hudson delivers the line-up, and refers to Chipper as "Larry Jones." Man, it's weird to hear it like that. Chipper isn't such a bad nickname after all.

Andruw Jones is fucking cold. And he walks to load the bases with one out for Francoeur. The Braves better get Glavine early... that's his m.o. And Frenchie grounds out, but KJ scores. 1-1 with McCann coming up to bat. McCann grounds out to end the first.

A-Rod actually does something curtain call-worthy, with a game-winning grand slam to beat the Orioles, 10-7. I'm just using this as an excuse to post my favorite Alex Rodriguez picture. 1-2-3 inning for Smoltz.

And Matt Diaz goes yard in the bottom of the second. 2-1 Braves. McCarver mentions this is the first deficit the Mets have faced this year. KJ gets a two-out single, then gets hit by Lo Duca's throw while stealing second while scraping his face on Jose Valentin's glove. Then Renteria pops out on the next pitch. But you know what, Kelly? It was worth it. (By the way, this is my favorite quote from Pearl Harbor.)

Is Jose Reyes the next Rickey Henderson? All I know is he won't be able to sneak off to the locker room during the late innings of a playoff loss to play cards with Bobby Bonilla. Scoreless third inning for both teams.

Rosenthal is back saying that Andruw Jones may command $150 million dollars on his next contract. I'm just going to go find a cash machine.

The Mets load the bases with two outs in the top of the fourth, with Glavine at the plate... and Tommy pops up on the first pitch to end the threat. Still 2-1, Braves.

Tom Glavine has some bad luck with batters getting hit by pitches. He just hit Craig Wilson on the knee, and Craiggers didn't even try to move to avoid it. Of course, that wasn't as bad as when Tom hit a batter on a called-strike. I still don't know how that happened.

Joe Buck talks about Jose Reyes: "I like guys who are bouncing around looking like they are having fun. Just as long as they don't fake showing their ass to the crowd."

The Mets start to the fifth: Reyes ~~base hit~~ walks, steals second. Lo Duca gets him to third, Beltran gets an RBI-base hit. It's almost like they plan it that way. And we're tied at 2. Smoltz ends the inning on his 100th pitch... really? Man, I did not realize he's thrown that many pitches.

The Braves start to the fifth: Kelly Johnson grounds out. I think my blood-alcohol content last night was higher than KJ's on-base percentage.

Smoltzie gets a rare strikeout on Lo Duca with runners on first and second for out number three in the sixth. Mets have left nine runners on base in six innings. By the way, so far FOX has misspelled both Jeff Francoeur (Francouer) and Andruw Jones' (Andrew) names in graphics.

Andruw starts the bottom of the sixth with a double. Francoeur follows with a bloop single. And Valentin saves a run with a line drive catch to rob McCann of an RBI. If the Mets get a double play here, I will probably throw up. Come on, Craiggers (he walks to load the bases for Diaz).

"Oh WOW!" Shawn Green drops a Diaz looper to right field, and Andruw Jones scores. 3-2 Braves, Glavine gets chased, bases still loaded. Nice little piece of hitting by Diaz, the ball he hit was out of the strike zone. I think Shawn Green was as surprised as I was that Diaz hit it so well. Pedro Feliciano to face Chris Woodward, pinching for Smoltz (in line for the win). Woody gets a sac fly, Francoeur scores from third. 4-2 Braves. KJ walks to load the bases (sorry about the OBP joke, Kelly) for Renteria. Feliciano is done for the day.

Joe Smith (whose number is easy to find in any New York City phonebook) gives up an infield RBI hit to Edgar, and Chipper is up with the bases still juiced (5-2 Braves), but flies out to end the inning. In comes Gonzo.

Tim McCarver on John Smoltz: "He's the Dennis Eckersley of 25 years ago." Um... reverse that, Timmy.

Shawn Green is 3-for-4, and gets an RBI single to cut the Braves lead to 5-3. The crazy wind is making every pop-up an adventure. Seventh inning stretch time.

McCarver spends the bottom of the seventh talking about how their provided Telestrator is old and doesn't work. He actually requests that the cameraman show the Telestrator so we can see how old it is. I was kind of expecting him to hold up an Etch-a-Sketch. Meanwhile, Joe Buck deadpans to the camera with a look that says, "Yup, I have to snuggle up with this guy."

The Tobacco-Chewing Ronin (Rafael Soriano) pitches the eighth for the Braves. He literally has a mouthful of chew while he's pitching. That can't be healthy. He gets the Mets in order, hitting 98 on the gun at one point.

So the Braves go Mike Gonzalez in the seventh, Soriano in the eighth, and Bob Wickman in the ninth... this will pretty much be the recipe for the season, I'm figuring (along with every other baseball writer). Nice of the Braves to showcase it on FOX's first game of the season.

And Wick is struggling... runners on first and third with Pee Hands up to bat.

Two outs, and Shawn (3-for-4) Green is up... The fans are doing the warchant on defense (huh?).

HOLY SHIT. Craiggers catches the potential game-tying hit FTW. Ballgame. Braves win, 5-3.

Smoltz gets the win, Glavine takes the L, and the Mets lose for the first of many times this year. And Joe Buck and Tim McCarver lived happily ever after.

Well that was fifty kinds of horrible.

2007-04-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

So Mark Redman strikes out Carlos Delgado to end the fifth inning, and I leave the game to go be social. And then all hell breaks lose.

"If you're going to get beat, you might as well get the snot blown out of you." -Jeff Francoeur

College Night at Citizens Bank Park went swimmingly.

2007-04-06T21:05:00.000-05:00

When you live in a Spring Break mecca like Panama City Beach, you are fully aware of the consequences of getting an assload of college kids simulaneously drunk. But at least PCB has the beach, the sun, and the warmth... unlike Citizens Bank Park in Philly, where it's cold, depressing, and where the home team likes to blow ninth-inning leads.

The 700 Level has a couple accounts of the shenanigans from College Night on Wednesday:

When we got to our great seats 8 rows behind the plate my eyes could not stop checking out the right field upper deck or the left and center field outfield seats. Fights galore, food fights, beer bottle throwing fights, fist fights among rival colleges, kids puking in the bathrooms and hallways. In a word it was great theatre. When McCann tied up the game Victorino was showered with beer bottles, hot dogs tennis and golf balls, they had to stop and pick the debris up and make an announcement not to throw stuff onto the field.

You see, Drexel and Temple? You see why we can't have nice things?

Just thank God it wasn't Dozen Egg Night.

Phillies College Night Gets Wild [The 700 Level]

In case you haven't been paying attention to Brian McCann this week...

2007-04-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

Brian McCann is hitting .500 (6-for-12) with 2 home runs and 6 runs batted in. One of those home runs sent Game Two into extra innings and ruined Cole Hamels' evening.

So the Braves start the season with a three-game road sweep of the Phillies, picked by many (including Jimmy Rollins) to win the division. This would be more impressive if the Mets didn't just annihilate the defending champs at New Busch.

It should be an entertaining series this weekend at the Ted, highlighted by Smoltz v. Glavine on Saturday. Plus all three games will either be on TBS or FOX, so I won't have to worry about MLB.TV not working on my Mac. Woo-HAH.

Edgar Renteria loves him some Cooler Day. Braves win, 5-3.

2007-04-02T19:55:00.000-05:00

Happy Cooler Day everybody....

Unfortunately, I did not take off work today and instead watched the Phillies/Braves game via MLB.TV. As I found out, it's always nice for your media player to start buffering with Mike Gonzalez pitching to Ryan Howard with runners on second and third and one out, with the Braves already down a run. It's also cool when one of my coworkers walks by a television showing the game and indicates that Brayan Pena probably isn't going to do much with the bases loaded in the ninth and two outs.

But other than that, that's $20 a month well-spent!

Speaking of money well-spent, Brian McCann was hella impressive today, going 3-for-4 with a big home run to put the Braves up 2-0.

And of course, Edgar Renteria had a huge day with two homers, one game-saving, the other game-winning. There's nothing like seeing the home crowd of the bad guys come alive on a two-strike, two-out pitch and have their dreams crushed by a game-tying 400+ foot home run. Oh yeah, by a shortstop.

The new bullpen had a couple of shaky moments, but ended up being very effective for the game. Gonzalez fought off early control problems to strike out reigning MVP Ryan Howard, and then get an inning-ending groundout from Chase Utley. Soriano and Wickman both performed well, and Chad Paronto got the save. I was very impressed by the confidence that Cox had in the bullpen to get out of trouble situations.

The bad? The 6-7-8 hitters (Francoeur, Thorman and Langerhans) went a combined 1-12 with five strikeouts. Kelly Johnson had a dropped ball behind second base (that was scored a hit by Aaron Rowand) that allowed a go-ahead run. And the Phillies' fans started leaving the stadium after Renteria's tenth-inning blast. Come on, Philadelphia... it's Cooler Day!

Photo: www.atlantabraves.com

Cooler Day Eve... time for your bad Braves predictions.

2007-04-01T21:21:00.000-05:00

The Braves' season kicks off tomorrow against the Phillies, currently the glamour pick to win the NL East. I guess that happens when you have the reigning league MVP. And Pat Burrell... you stay classy.

I am hesitant to make any predictions about this season considering I literally watched no spring training games, plus every prediction I post in any internet forum is usually horribly wrong. But I will throw a few quick ones out there for recreational purposes only....

The Braves will win more games than the Mets. Hopefully that will guarantee at least the Wild Card.

Brian McCann will make his second All-Star Game. And yes, I know he just got paid.

Someone in the Braves lineup will use "This Is Why I'm Hot" as their at-bat music.

I'm almost certain it will be Andruw Jones, although he might instead pick "Make It Rain" (insert Andruw Jones/Gold Club joke here).

After tonight, Donald Trump will be bald. Well, officially. (UPDATE: And the first wrong prediction of the baseball season. Woo-HAH.)

Phil Mickelson will win the Masters for the third time. I've got to make sure at least one of these predictions is wrong.

Florida 82, Ohio State 68. Donovan stays at Florida.

(Oh by the way, Brian Murphy is not dead... he does a morning radio show in San Francisco for KNBR. I listened to the last half of his show online Friday, and he did not mention Cooler Day. Hopefully, he's trying to keep the tradition alive.)

(Also, this is my first season watching baseball in High Definition, and it... is... FANTASTIC.)

Baseball's Back! [Awful Announcing]

Come on, Gonzo... smile like you mean it.

2007-03-29T21:00:00.000-05:00

Early in Spring Training, a lot of the talk about newly-acquired set-up man Mike Gonzalez centered on how friendly and engaging he is in the clubhouse with teammates and reporters. He must have a deep burning hatred for photographers or something.

Look at him (bottom right). He has the same expression on his face that I had after Mr. Eko got killed by the smoke monster on "Lost."

Fortunately, this interview by Martin Gandy of Talking Chop gives some good insights to Gonzo's personality ("He's sort of got a surfer's, or California boy's attitude ... and very laid back - I enjoyed talking to him immensely"). And no, he didn't ask Mike if he's ever had his shit pushed in.

Gandy prefaces the interview by saying that Gonzo used "man" a lot. For example:

MA: How is the Bobby Cox spring camp different from a Jim Tracy spring camp?

MI: Ah, well you know what, the Jim Tracy spring camp was great, man. You've got to remember I just had one year of it and it was good, but you've got to remember it's more of a rebuilding process over there. You're having to work with a lot of young guys, and most of them are major league rookies as opposed to Bobby Cox you're dealing with a lot of veteran guys, guys that know what they need to be doing. I wouldn't say it's easier, it's just a little more laid back. I guess he treat's you like men; you know what you need to do to be successful and that's what we do.

...

MA: Going from being a closer in Pittsburgh to a setup man here, how do you handle the roles differently?

MI: You know what, it's really not that big a difference, man. I've been doing the same thing as I was doing in the ninth, man. It's all the same to me; I'm aggressive, I go out there and try to get the three outs - that's the way it's always been. It's not going to be a problem whatsoever, man. I've obviously setup and been successful, I've closed and been successful. So, I'm just looking forward to winning ballgames now.

This interview is even cooler when you imagine Mike Gonzalez's voice as Rory Cochrane's character in Dazed and Confused.

Spring Training Interview with Mike Gonzalez [Talking Chop]

Andruw Jones has strange taste in role models.

2007-03-29T17:15:00.000-05:00

From David O'Brien's AJC.com blog:

By the way, Andruw took batting practice wearing a jersey with “Dos Cinco” instead of his name above his No. 25. I’ll be stunned if he’s wearing it when they come back on the field for the game.

That won’t fly with Bobby, who doesn’t even let players wear their sunglasses on top of their hats when they’re taking batting practice. But for B.P., on the last day of spring in Florida, and with Andruw, the manager let it slide.

(For those who don't know, “Dos Cinco” comes from the same mangled Spanish that gave us Chad Johnson's “Ocho Cinco” nickname last year.)

Fortunately for Andruw, Major League Baseball doesn't have fines for excessive home run celebrations. Who cares if Brett Myers tries to throw a fastball directly at your ribs just because you decide to do "The Worm" before you touch home plate?

Hopefully the rest of the Braves won't mimic the other Cincinnati Bengals players. I was starting to worry about multiple DUIs, but then I remembered that Rafael Furcal is a Dodger now.

Let’s take ‘er north, boys [AJC.com]

Snorg Tee Girl might be a bad Braves fan!

2007-03-28T20:10:00.000-05:00

A little bit of disclosure: I do as little research on my blog posts as humanly possible.

(For example, five minutes ago I decided to e-mail Brian Murphy at his old Page 2 address to see if he was still alive.)

So it's always nice when you are checking out a comment thread on Deadspin and stumble upon a link for the Snorg Tee model's MySpace page.

Now I had not seen this page before I wrote up my chatroom conversation with said T-shirt model, although apparently it's quite easy to find. What can I say, I've just never had the urge to google "myspace snorg tees." Derp.

Anyway, let's see what I got wrong...

Homers_Enemy: hello there, anonymous snorg tee model

She's not actually anonymous... her name is Alice. Now there's a name you don't run into much anymore. In fact, you don't find a lot of young people with names from the show "Alice." When's the last time you were at a college party and ran into a Vera or a Flo, or a dude named Mel?

SnorgTeeByNature: im a girl in my early 20s what do u think i do

She's only nineteen (good Old 97's song). This means she's not in my "n/2+7" range, which I like to call "my wheelhouse."

So what did I get right?

SnorgTeeByNature: OMG jeff francure is HOTT

She is, in fact, a Braves fan ("i LOVE braves games"). Although she would rather meet Andruw than Frenchie. Which means she's probably a money-grubbing ho.

SnorgTeeByNature: i know all the funny lines from wedding crashers

She does list Wedding Crashers under her favorite movies, along with every Harry Potter movie. In fact, her page is peppered with Harry Potter mentions, including under "Heroes" and "Who I'd like to meet" (red flag, RED FLAG!)

SnorgTeeByNature: i fill out myspace surveys all day

What could this be?

It's a MySpace survey! Yeah, I know. What are the odds.

By the way, Alice, plain cheese does not a perfect pizza make. I'm getting one half pepperoni and banana peppers, or I'm planning a helicopter ride over the Gulf of Mexico, sweetheart.

It's beginning to look a lot like Cooler Day....

2007-03-28T14:36:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite writers for ESPN.com was Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Chronicle. His "Water Cooler" column would appear every Monday on ESPN's Page 2 as a humorous wrap-up of the weekend's sports stories. He christened the first Monday in April as "The Greatest Day in American Sports" (Cooler Day, if you're into the whole brevity thing) for the following events:

Opening Day of baseball season.
The NCAA Tournament Final.
Monday of Masters week.

And this year's happy addition: Four days until Grindhouse opens.

Fuck and yes.

Unfortunately, Murphy's last article for ESPN.com was posted May of 2006, and it appears he doesn't work for the San Francisco Chronicle anymore. In fact, he may have fallen off the face of the earth... he's not even listed in Wikipedia's "American sportswriters" category.

But Cooler Day will live on at Bad Braves Fan... and to get an early start on the festivities, here's a guest post I contributed to Sports Gone South about why I love the University of Florida. It's a nice reprieve from all the Billy Donovan coaching rumors and Joakim Noah photoshops.

Actually, those Noah photoshops are pretty funny too.

Make Us Love... The University of Florida [Sports Gone South]
More Fun With Joakim Noah [Deadspin]

Maybe I'll get to wear it while Hampton is pitching! Or maybe not.

2007-03-27T04:15:00.000-05:00

Lookee what came in the mail today...

The offer was just too good to refuse at three in the morning after a night of heavy drinking. I wonder what else I bought.

Thanks to Mike over at The Dugout for throwing the shirt together. If you guys ever need a T-shirt model, let me know. I could use the extra cash. Also, it would make a good conversation starter if I ever run into one of the Snorg Tee models....

	* Online Host * Welcome to the T-shirt Model Chatroom!
	SnorgTeeByNature: i cant wait for blades of glory to come out
	SnorgTeeByNature: my power is about to get shut off
	* Online Host * Homers_Enemy has entered the chatroom.
	Homers_Enemy: hello there, anonymous snorg tee model
	SnorgTeeByNature: the dugout? what movie is that from lolz
	Homers_Enemy: um... bull durham, i guess. maybe major league too
	SnorgTeeByNature: YOU HAVE NO MARBLEZ!!1!
	Homers_Enemy: cute. so what do you do when you're not selling t-shirts
	SnorgTeeByNature: im a girl in my early 20s what do u think i do
	SnorgTeeByNature: i fill out myspace surveys all day
	SnorgTeeByNature: im tryin to remember if i smoked in the last six months
	Homers_Enemy: well good luck with that. let me know how that turns out
	Homers_Enemy: /changes subject so... do you follow baseball? i'm a braves fan
	SnorgTeeByNature: OMG jeff francure is HOTT
	SnorgTeeByNature: i know hes engaged but i can fix that
	SnorgTeeByNature: i know all the funny lines from wedding crashers
	SnorgTeeByNature: we only use 60 percent of our hearts
	SnorgTeeByNature: and 60 percent of the time it works EVERY TIME
	Homers_Enemy: this is quite possibly the worst conversation i've ever been involved in
	Homers_Enemy: i'm going to go do something else
	* Online Host * Homers_Enemy has left the chatroom.
	SnorgTeeByNature: he will never be in my top 8
	SnorgTeeByNature: let's see... who was the last person to send me a text message
	* Online Host * RichManTHORMAN has entered the chatroom.
	RichManTHORMAN: hello there, anonymous snorg tee model
	SnorgTeeByNature: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

Thanks once again to The Dugout.

Are you a bad Braves fan too? Spring Training Quiz!

2007-03-22T21:40:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, you've been too busy at work/occupied with the NCAA Tournament/cheap to pay for cable/hung over to watch the Braves during Spring Training. Of course I've been reading other Braves-themed blogs, and have occasionally spotted an up-and-comer's name floating around between weather reports and random song lyrics, but I haven't actually watched them play. Hell, I don't even know what they look like, do you?

Here's a quiz for you Braves fans out there... see how many of these Braves players you can name just by their mug shots. I'll have the answers down at the bottom.

By the way, I've added some mug shots of some players who aren't actually on the Braves this year. See if you can guess which ones those are too.

...

...

...

...

OK, here we go.

A. Martin Prado, 2B. When he makes it to the show, he will have the gayest Chris Berman nickname ever.

B. Willy Aybar, 3B. Brought over in the Wilson Betemit trade last year with the Dodgers. His wrist is ailing, and Betemit is having batting issues. This is not one of Michael Scott's "win-win-win" situations.

C. The Tobacco-Chewing Ronin, Rafael Soriano, RP. Wait a minute, he's supposed to be this ornery badass, and he smiles for his team photo? Did I miss something?

D. No idea.

E. Umm... I think this is Scott Thorman, 1B.

F. Kelly Johnson, 2B. And wouldn't you know it, he looks like a guy named "Kelly." I bet his family owns a schooner.

G. Mike Gonzalez, RP. See, this is the expression that Soriano should have! Man alive, Gonzalez looks like one of the Latino gang members in Training Day... "Yeah man, I've had my SHHHHHIIIIT PUUUUUUSHED IN!!!"

H. Tyler Christopher, who plays Nicolas Cassadine on "General Hospital." And no, it is you who are teh gay.

I. Boston Red Sox rookie and Ladies... "Unknown Hottie" Jacoby Ellsbury. If you can't tell, this Photoshop turned out much better than the soap actor's, as well as Scott Thorman's.

J. CHUCK JAMES, BITCH!

K. Yunel Escobar, utility. Although, it's amazing how much this guy looks like the Cuban version of John Rocker. It's almost scary.

L. Daisuke Matsuzaka, Red Sox SP. Every time I hear his nickname, I think of "Ain't No Crime" by Positive K... "Makes you wanna say, 'OWWW, DICE-K!'"

Oh hell yes.

2007-03-22T13:59:00.000-05:00

My first ever correct internet prediction... Brian McCann is sticking around a while.

The Atlanta Braves made a long-term commitment to Brian McCann, agreeing Thursday to a six-year contract with the All-Star catcher.
...
McCann gets a $1 million signing bonus, $500,000 this year, $800,000 in 2008, $3.5 million in 2009, $5.5 million in 2010 and $6.5 million in 2011. He earns $8.5 million in 2012 and can make $3 million more in escalator provisions, but if he fails to win certain awards, his salary that season becomes a club option.

800k to 3.5 million in one year. That's a 437.5% payraise. If that ever happened to me, I would get pissy-ass drunk and hang on a random skinny blonde girl every night.

All-Star McCann signs six-year deal with Braves [ESPN]

(crickets chirping)

2007-03-16T21:25:00.000-05:00

If you are looking for hard-hitting analysis of Mike Hampton's strained oblique and Chipper Jones' recent ankle issues, The Dugout scooped me a long ass time ago.

Go over there and check out their take on the Braves recent injury problems, and then take a look at the funniest emo-based baseball post I have ever read.

I'm going to stay here and watch Florida v. Jackson State. You kids have fun.

(By the way, I would totally get a "O_Captain_Mike_Hampton" T-shirt. But feel free to talk me into the "If_Anything_I_Could_Say_That_This_Cabrera.")

Spring Break 2007: Atlanta Braves [The Dugout]
From Under the Corked Bat [The Dugout]

Oh yeah. John Rocker.

2007-03-10T01:11:00.000-06:00

In college, I had this friend -- if I had to give him a Bill Simmons-style nickname, it would be Pinkeye -- who was a troubled soul. He was a good guy at times, but he had some temper problems, some drinking and drug problems, and eventually he ended up back home.

About a month ago, I see Pinkeye at a bar, shit-faced as usual. He hadn't noticed me yet, and there was a chance that he wouldn't recognize me because we hadn't seen each other in four years. So naturally I walk up to him and throw an arm around his neck.

He throws me some stories about what he had been doing lately (the pro mixed martial arts fighting I didn't believe, the bouncing at local clubs I did believe). He asked me to buy him a couple of beers for him and his friend, and I did. He asked me for my phone number, and I got his instead.

Why did I approach Pinkeye when there was a possibility of avoiding him? Because I'm loyal to my bros.

This is why I will come off as a John Rocker apologist.

I was a fan of John Rocker. I thought he was good for the Braves back in 1999. Until John Smoltz topped him, he had the most saves in a season in Braves history. From a fan-athlete standpoint, John Rocker was a "bro."

At this point, what I can believe about Rocker is that his name showed up on a client list of Applied Pharmacy, which is connected to an investigation of illegal steroid sales. After that, I don't know what to think. The fact that Rocker's interview on ESPN Radio contradicts what his publicist said doesn't help.

By the way, that interview on ESPN Radio was terrible. Erik Kuselias, filling in for Colin Cowherd on the poorly-named "The Herd", never once asked Rocker how his name ended up on said client list, instead asking Rocker what he thought his legacy in Major League Baseball was, as if that even matters. Rocker was never going to be a first ballot Hall of Famer.

(Erik Kuselias currently hosts NASCAR Now on ESPN, and is currently waiting for Mark Schlereth and Sean Salisbury to beat the living hell out of NFL Live's Trey Wingo, so he will have a chance to host a show featuring a sport he actually gives two shits about.)

Did Rocker obtain HGH illegally in 2003? He says that he got it over-the-counter at a GNC. Did Rocker use illegally obtained HGH before then (as in, while he was pitching with the Braves)? Stories like this one make me wonder.

But I have to give Rocker the benefit of the doubt. Technically, he's a bro.

But he's going to be the one buying the beers.

That could have been embarrassing. And expensive.

2007-03-08T18:40:00.000-06:00

Braves jersey update... I haven't placed the order for the Brian McCann jersey yet. I have the money, but I might hold out and buy a laptop instead (which I would use a lot more often than the jersey).

Two years ago, when the Braves acquired Tim Hudson from the A's, I seriously considered buying his jersey. Huddy was definitely in my top three choices... along with Rafael Belliard (I'm telling you, he was awesome) and Willie McGee of the St. Louis Cardinals.

(Then last year I went to a game at New Busch Stadium, and everybody and their mother was wearing a Willie McGee jersey. Dude is like Urlacher in Chicago.)

So it was fun to read in Buster Olney's ESPN Insider-iffic blog today that Hudson was almost traded to the Orioles this offseason.

The Braves tried to convince the Baltimore Orioles to take Hudson, as the two teams attempted to work out a deal for Adam LaRoche. The Orioles balked, partly because of Hudson's diminished performance, but also because he'll make $13 million in 2008 and again in 2009, after earning $6 million in 2007. This was all in the back of Hudson's mind as he pushed himself in his offseason conditioning.

"It was obviously discouraging to hear those kinds of rumors," he said, "but at the same time it made me work a lot harder this offseason -- No. 1, in the hope that they don't trade me, and No. 2, proving to them that I'm way better than I was last year. It's up to me to show them that -- 'I'm glad you didn't trade me, and I hope now that you're glad you didn't trade me, either.' "

I am glad that the Braves didn't trade him. I always considered him the true ace of that old Oakland starting rotation, and I think he can be dominant again.

He will probably need to be dominant, considering that Mike Hampton is out for two months after straining his oblique in batting practice. And Smoltzie might not be 100% after getting hit in the chest by a line drive. And with the Tobacco-Chewing Ronin having shoulder issues, and me jinxing Mike Gonzalez into early mechanical failure (my bad).

But it's nice to know that I didn't purchase a jersey that almost went the way of the Michael Jordan 45.

There's always other boys, you can make them like you.

2007-03-07T04:00:00.000-06:00

In true bad Braves fan fashion, I've been completely oblivious to the Spring Training games so far.

(I did record the Braves-Pirates game on Friday, but the apartment got a high-definition DVR installed on Saturday, and lost everything we recorded. I got shit-faced Friday night, and tried to watch Lost instead. Baseball would have been much easier to comprehend.)

The big weekend story was Bobby Cox mentioning during an interview that he's thinking about retiring in two years.

Bobby Cox? Retiring? Look at him. He looks excited to be on the phone with the local news affiliate instead of playing two-dollar stud at the Derby Lane greyhound track in St. Petersburg, Florida.

It's incredible to think that Cox has been managing the Braves since 1990, and has only had two losing seasons. Meanwhile the Pittsburgh Pirates haven't had a winning season since Sid Bream touched home plate.

Deadspin had a season preview for Pittsburgh where the writer (Don Spagnolo of Mondesi's House) illustrated 79 Reasons Why It's Hard To Be a Pirate Fan. This list borders on emo... don't be surprised to find PNC Park filled with fans wearing tight blue jeans and eye makeup, writing three-chord songs about how much they miss Andy Van Slyke and Doug Drabek.

I laugh at Moneyball and break all the rules.

2007-03-01T19:23:00.000-06:00

Honestly, if I ran the Oakland Athletics, I would get a lifetime ban for betting on baseball within two weeks.

If I Ran... The Oakland Athletics [If I Ran...]

Mike Gonzalez will get coffee. Eventually.

2007-02-27T03:55:00.000-06:00

I've been keeping track of the Braves the last couple of days through the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's David O'Brien and his BravesBlog. While I'm not a big fan of the random song lyrics and the "breaking the fourth wall" questions, O'Brien is providing some awesome access (apparently Rafael Soriano is a tobacco-chewing ronin).

In his latest post, O'Brien is very impressed with newly-acquired set-up man Mike Gonzalez:

"...when he throws … wow. Loose, live, lightning-quick arm, like he’s double-jointed or something (and maybe he is; I need to ask him). Can’t really find the words to exactly describe why he looks different throwing than the other guys here, but he does. Say hello to the Braves’ 2008 closer."

Hell, Gonzalez might be the closer sooner than that... we never know when Bob Wickman will have his heart attack while practicing as a occupational hypnotherapist.

Wickman showing off the grip for his fastball.

So now that Gonzalez has the inside track for the job, there's only one question left: how will he completely lose control of his pitches?

In case you are unfamiliar with the Braves' recent history of young closers, here's the rundown:

Mark Wohlers: Completely lost control after the 1996 World Series, either due to the Leyritz home run in Game 4, or his ugly divorce. I always like to think it's the latter, so that when Wohlers comes up in conversation, I can quote one of my favorite lines from The Last Boy Scout: "I'd like to meet the bitch that fucked you up."

John Rocker: Started losing control of his pitches after he picked a fight with the city of New York and lost. What can you say... he was outnumbered.

It's really a shame too... personality aside, his curveball-for-third-strike was a beautiful pitch. Plus, he celebrated the Braves' win in the 1999 NLCS over the Mets while wearing a Goldberg T-shirt.

Dan Kolb: An All-Star the previous year in Milwaukee, he came to Atlanta and developed a fun habit of loading the bases with no outs in save situations.

Kyle Farnsworth: He didn't really lose his control, but it's worth mentioning that he blew a five-run lead in two innings in the Braves' last playoff game.

Chris Reitsma and the 2006 bullpen: Terrible band name.

So how is Mike Gonzalez going to crack? Psychedelic mushrooms? The third stage of syphilis? Rick Ankiel's Disease?

Shit, I totally broke the fourth wall there.

Dale Murphy knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

2007-02-26T22:50:00.000-06:00

If you have ESPN Insider, you can check out Buster Olney's latest link dump, which begins with an excerpt from an interview Dale Murphy gave to Holden Kushner of XM Radio. In said excerpt, Murphy says he believes that Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire are all dirty cheaters.

When asked about Bonds breaking Aaron's home run record:

"Well, I'm not that excited about it. Let me put it this way, when Cal Ripken broke Lou Gehrig's record, I pulled my kids into the living room, and said, 'You gotta see this.' This is not going to happen with Barry. It doesn't mean anything to me, ya know, Barry is a great talent, and would have been a great talent without getting involved in this kind of stuff, in steroids, and all the stuff like that. People have said, 'Dale, he hasn't failed a drug test.' That doesn't matter to me anymore, it's what I see, what I've read, what I've heard, and what I can see with my eyes, that's my opinion, and a lot other people have that opinion as well. You get back to the record; he's a Hall of Fame player and would have hit a lot of home runs without it, and now that he's breaking the record, I don't think he went about it the right way."

Olney then refers to Murphy as a victim of ~~Brady Anderson hitting 50 home runs in a season~~ the steroid era, along with Andre Dawson and Jim Rice.

Their statistical accomplishments have been completely obscured by the generation of players that followed them, and many may have used performance-enhancing drugs.

... which is a nice thing to realize a month after voting for McGwire and not Murphy on your Hall of Fame ballot.

(To be fair, Olney did vote for Dawson and Rice, but then again those guys aren't 23 dropped votes away from peacing out from the ballot.)

Do you like Barry's stupid hair? Would you guess that he didn't know what to wear?

2007-02-26T12:17:00.000-06:00

Barry Zito is moving right along with his "punk band with money" career path. Although doing covers is more The Ataris than Blink-182.

Thanks to With Leather for the pic. Actually, you know what? No thanks. I'm going to be throwing up in my mouth all day.

BARRY ZITO LOOKS KINDA HOT [With Leather]
Do you get it? They're both named Barry. [Bad Braves Fan]

Mo Rivera doesn't want to be in "Fever Pitch II."

2007-02-26T02:28:00.000-06:00

From the Nick Saban "This Is Probably Bullshit" File: Mariano Rivera told the New York Times that if he leaves the Yankees, he won't sign with the Red Sox.

"I respect the players and I respect the organization, but we've had so much happen between us. I don't think I could do it," Rivera told The Times.

Rivera said the rivalry between the two teams is too fierce for him to think about switching sides.

"There's too much between the teams," Rivera told The Times. "I like some of their players. They're my friends. I just don't think it would be possible."

He then added, "Unless, of course, they include a money bin filled with gold coins that I could swim around in."

An artist depiction of how to get Rivera to Boston.

I'd like to think that Andruw Jones would also choose not to sign with Boston (or the Yankees for that matter), but he's probably acquired a copy of the schematics of Coco Crisp's locker by now.

Me? I'd start by picking up my free Brian McCann jersey.

2007-02-25T05:44:00.000-06:00

Jay Busbee makes his second appearance in four posts on Bad Braves Fan. He keeps this up, he might get his own tag.

This time he's making a guest appearance on If I Ran... talking about what he would do at the helm of your Atlanta Braves.

Four things I would do:

Show movies on the Turner Field Jumbotron in the offseason. Turner Field has an absolutely breath-taking... Jumbotron. I mean, that thing's good. I want to be friends with it.

Sell the team to Arthur Blank. The Braves would finally afford to keep Andruw Jones. Did you see how much weed money he gave Michael Vick?

Eliminate the "Sunday red" alternate uniforms. Also get rid of the "A with embedded tomahawk" logo. Replace with the early 80's throwback uniform (preferably the road blues).

Finally, destroy all evidence of this video.

If I Ran...The Atlanta Braves [If I Ran...]

Being a better Braves fan is balls expensive.

2007-02-23T21:50:00.000-06:00

I figure one of my penances for being a bad Braves fan should be to purchase an official Braves jersey. One of the authentic ones, not the relatively cheaper replicas... God would know the difference.

The big question is, which player's jersey should I get? Here's the rundown....

Chipper Jones (10): No. I am not every redneck woman in her mid-thirties at Turner Field.

Andruw Jones (25): According to common sense, Andruw's probably bolting the team for Zito money wherever he can find it at the end of the year, so no. It was bad enough wearing my Simeon Rice jersey to the Bears-Buccaneers game this past year.

John Smoltz (29): Another case of not knowing how long he will stick around, but it would be good for posterity.

Tim Hudson (15): I like him a lot. He's a fun pitcher to watch and he's local-ish (Prattville, AL), but he does tend to struggle, and I don't think he needs the bad karma of me wearing his jersey.

Edgar Renteria (11): Reminds me too much of that Marlins team in '97 that advanced to the World Series over the Braves thanks to the worst strike zone in postseason history.

Jeff Francoeur (7): I've liked Francoeur ever since he was quoted in Sports Illustrated as saying that Kent Hrbek pulling Ron Gant off the bag in the '91 World Series was the "cheatingest play ever." I also liked his at-bats (during the telecasts on TBS) where you can hear Bobby Cox yell from the dugout, "C'mon, French-ie!"

Dale Murphy (3): It would be cool if a lot of the younger fans would get customized Dale Murphy jerseys just to remind baseball writers, "Hey, people know who Dale Murphy is!" Then again, the Dale Murphy throwback jersey is a classic, especially the one Big Boi wears at the end of the video for "Rosa Parks."

By the way, it still pisses me off to no end that Big Boi wears a Dale Murphy jersey AND a Mets jacket.

Rafael Belliard (2): My favorite Brave from the 90's teams, for a couple reasons. First, I couldn't stand Jeff Blauser. I would've called him "Mr. Glass" if Unbreakable had come out a decade earlier. Second, Belliard hit two home runs in his career, ten years apart. His at-bats with the Braves were filled with an added drama, because TBS would always flash the stat, "XXXX at-bats since Belliard's last home run," which was literally a four-digit number. Unfortunately I didn't see his second home run live, but I saw him almost hit his second home run (it hit the top of the wall, right underneath the yellow line). He was so upset. You could tell that he really wanted it.

Of course, I don't think I want to drop $230 on a Rafael Belliard jersey. But I thought about it.

Scott Thorman (20): Who?

So after all this, which jersey am I going to get?

Brian McCann's, of course.

Brian McCann (16): First, he hit this awesome home run off of Roger Clemens in the 2005 NLDS (his first at-bat against Rocket). Second, he's 23 and an All-Star, so it's likely he will stick around for a while. Third, he's got drunken pictures on the internet, which is practically a requirement for the modern-day role model athlete (Ben Roethlisberger, Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki, ~~Eli Manning~~ and others).

Like I said, this jersey is going to cost me about $230 plus tax, which means I will probably have to give up my gambling addiction for a while (by the way, the seven of clubs can kiss my ass).

My name is Grimey, and I am one of the bad Braves fans.

2007-02-22T21:00:00.000-06:00

I'd like to think that I am not as bad as the above-pictured collection of assholes, but hey, at least they went to the ballpark last year.

Me, I went to one baseball game last year. At New Busch Stadium. An interleague game between the Cards and the Indians. The year prior I went to an interleague game at Turner Field against the Oakland A's. I went because Barry Zito was pitching, and I wore his jersey to the game.

This past season, I was at a bar with a Braves game on the TV, and literally yelled out, "WHO THE FUCK IS SCOTT THORMAN?"

(I could explain how all this came to pass, but Bomani Jones* already did it perfectly.)

Anyway, I'm hoping that this blog will help me be a better Braves fan, or at least make me feel worse about being a bad one.

Judging from Jay Busbee's excellent season preview on Deadspin, the season is pretty much a coin flip, but that doesn't matter. Things are going to change around here.

So, who the fuck is Scott Thorman?

* ESPN Insider required... sorry.

Do you get it? They're both named Barry.

2007-02-22T00:41:00.000-06:00

Barry Zito's career is taking the same path as the career of Blink-182. This picture here, these T-shirts? This is Take Off Your Pants and Jacket.

The worst thing that can happen to a punk rock band -- or a punk rock pitcher -- is an assload of money. The end results aren't pretty (see Angels and Airwaves, Meet the Barkers).

The ultimate red flag will be when Barry drops the "At some point, you just have to grow up" bomb during a Sunday Conversation or a Budweiser Hot Seat in the next couple of years.

Mr. Zito, I will remember your Oakland years fondly, just as I often pop Dude Ranch into my CD player on occasion. And you just might use a NOFX song off of White Trash, Two Heebs and a Bean as your at-bat music (although "San Francisco Fat" would be more appropriate).

But to quote that punk at the '97 Warped Tour yelling at Social Distortion playing "I Was Wrong": You're Foreigner. You're Foghat.

Please burn that goddamn T-shirt.

Thanks to SFGate.com for the photo